Virgos are assholes. What? Yeah, you heard me. Virgos are assholes. And Pisces, too. Don't fucking tell me I don't even know you. You like chasing things you can't have and saving people who are oh so tragic and oh so helpless without you. Why're you sitting there writing poetry when there's a war going on, man? You're romantic cuz you're a pussy. Cancers...get over your mom. Everybody, together now, "Get over your mom." You don't owe that hootch anything.

Leos, I wish your dicks were as big as your egos.

Scorpios, it's like Sleeping with the Enemy.

Sags--what do you rhyme with?

Caps-- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Libras, you passive muthafuckers, Taurus, I'm talking to you too. Aries, you know how to bang your head against things until you get results. Aquarius, so do you. Sometimes. No wait, not really.

But Geminis, my fellow Geminis...wtf?