energy. i'm learning about it. but i still don't understand it. maybe i'm just unhappy sometimes because i want to use it in the way i want to use it, and the universe knows the best way for me is to use it in another way. i've never been good with authority, but i'm not hopeless. i recognize the need for a mentor, and i recognize how important it is to be careful of who you trust with your most powerful side.

what is it?

when i thought life coaching might be a good compromise since i hate the hypocrisy and pathologizing within the psychotherapy industry, they told us we needed to write a short description of what we are, so we could attract the right clients. maybe that idea would work here.

so what is it.

1. when i meet someone who is not open, i can feel out their energy, find a positive energy they can relate to that they own and reflect it back to them. when they see this positive energy that's familiar yet seemingly coming from someone else, they recognize it, embody it and it lifts them, even though i'd actually pulled it from inside them. basically, it's like taking a positive portion of someone, and having them incorporate it from the outside in until that portion becomes the majority of themselves. sometimes i can mimic people's energy and experience a different flavor to life. i'm also very good at mirroring when i need it.

2. people will tell you everything they want you to know about them. most people wear their traumas on their sleeves and you'll recognize them if you know where to look. i can grab onto a trauma and pull it out, mentally holding it like a flopping fish while getting people to understand it, understand their relationship to it, and circle it emotionally, mentally, psychologically until it loses its strength and they can reincorporate it back within themselves as something benign. not everyone finds this very comfortable and most freak out. but the ones who are brave enough to let things go usually report back that it changed their lives.

3. late night channeling. sometimes i start talking and then it doesn't come from me anymore. and i'm dropping knowledge on people and it affects them. meanwhile, i learn things myself as i listen to myself talk so every time i take the risk to do this, i benefit in terms of knowledge as well. last year i asked the universe for a mentor, and this phenomenon showed up. it's like i can only learn as long as i can find a study buddy. which now that i think about it, i never did as a student so now's as good time as any to reach out.

the hard thing for me right now is that i don't know when these things will happen so sometimes i feel like i have no control, like i'm not actually working towards something or refining an ability. but then i recognize, as these things occur and i learn, i'm also slowly building understanding of something bigger.

i've just been telling myself to be patient, and to have trust. i don't have to trust other humans if they're not worthy of trust or if they're not in a place where they can understand me, but i have to trust the universe. and i have to trust myself to stay sharp and recognize when it's asking something of me. sometimes it gets so fucking lonely in here i start losing faith that there's a me outside of the work I do and the reflections I take on, but then the universe sends me a person who even if for a small window of time/space, can see and hear the real me. the rule is, I never get to hang on to it, but for that simple token of faith, that experience of understanding, the symbolism of the gift that renews my belief that I do exist and I've got to keep going because there are others out there also working positively, I am very grateful for it.

but sometimes i lay awake and ask myself, why did you choose such a lonely life path.