i'm exhausted. updating my ipod right now. i'm going to try to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and push myself hard with cardio so i'll be exhausted for the plane ride.

i've been doing a lot of thinking and i think this is a great time to get away and immerse myself in something else so when i get back to la, i can look at my life with fresh eyes.

i have big decisions to make when i come back. if i were courageous, i would move to sf. but i'm still not convinced my boundaries will be respected if i'm living that close to my family. but then, baron would get more time to spend staring at my breasts. ah, gay men love breasts. i also don't want to give up my place in la. it's my biggest energy source right now, so i won't leave unless i can find one that's equally as powerful in the bay area. but i think i would find more intelligent people who are willing to talk about ideas up in the bay area.

i think sometimes i sound like an elitist in terms of intelligence but i'm really not. lord knows, i'm usually not even the smartest person in any given room. but i think i'm just so sick of how people in la are actually intelligent, but something about this culture down here makes people not value intelligence and play down their own intelligence for the sake of fitting in. i'm busy trying to learn things and think about things so i can expand my mind, but it seems like this isn't the most conducive environment.

one thing i do want to try though, before i leave, is to change my attitude. to just talk about the things i think about and if people want to give me blank stares or say i'm crazy, i won't care. because i think what will happen is some of the people who are expansive thinkers but not speaking up, will speak up and engage. i just refuse to believe that people are this blank down here. they absolutely aren't. i think it's like what my lawyer said, there's too much mental illness in la. so a lot of people stay quiet because they don't want to sound like the crazies. well, there's a thin line between madness and genius. you just have to know how to tread it as best you can. when you dive into that well to bring back something of value, always make sure you have an anchor, and only dive when you are strong.