today was interesting.

got up today to visit my accountant. she told me i'm fucked. it's just money, i thought and took it in stride, writing her a big happy check to a messenger i was expansive enough not to kill. violet by hole came blasting out as i turned on my car. fitting. drove away feeling like the shit.

so strong today. so strong today it blows my mind that i can't share it with anyone.

i've been seriously thinking--how does a dead hooker become a dead hooker? does a person go in thinking, "I'm gonna kill that hooker." or does it just happen because unbridled passion is a powerful thing. my scorpio explained the hooker usually ends up dead during the payment process. he's adorably literal. i know people think i'm joking when i ask and that's how i play it off, but i have genuine concerns. i have so much energy stored up right now, i've been steering clear of sex because i'm afraid i just might kill someone.

someone has been trying to plant the idea of sex in my head. this is funny to me because he doesn't know that this tactic is redundant because sex is on my mind 100% of the time, even if it's a program running in the background. this has been my more recent experiment that i started last summer. if you generate pressurized sexual energy at all times but give yourself no outlet except through mental thought and focus, you can create such intense magnetism that you can bypass a person's defenses by controlling and imploding a sexually charged moment. basically, you can seduce whoever you want if you use that energy correctly.

sadly, this discovery was made by a very passive initiator. but it does work.

it's been so easy to think about how things work in my head since working at a software company. the idea of a software running invisibly in the background, sdk integrations and crm systems has helped me understand how i can reprogram my thinking to mimic how software works. when our crm system went down, it was a mess because that's where we stored all of our notes about client relationships, phone numbers, pricing, etc. the system would keep erasing information every time they updated the software. after a while, it was erasing information to the point we couldn't keep it there anymore. so instead, i memorized everything i needed. i basically organized a portion of my brain as a customer management tool. i couldn't remember numbers, but i was able to retain a large database of about 50 accounts with company names, contact names and positions, emails, pricing and notes about their project history. one day, i was talking to a customer and telling him that i was forgetting random things, like i was talking to my friend about her job, and then 5 minutes later, i asked her how grad school was. she told me, i've been out of school for two years, then looked at me weird because we'd just been talking to her about her post-grad job. i told my customer that when that happened, i realized i had to dump some of this information out of my head to outlook because it was taking up too much memory and i didn't have a place to store the details of my personal life.

then that night, i realized the magnitude of what i'd managed to do. i'd literally arranged my mind to mimic a software, albeit a software boasting a modest memory.

that leads me to...what else can i do?

anyway, i digress.

drove out to cypress park to witness this porn burrito i'd read about in a jonathan gold review. it was indeed obscene. i bought it para llevar so i could take it home, lay it out on a counter and take pictures of it for brian. i took a picture with it next to a loaf of bread and the loaf was a little more than half the size of the burrito. i wasn't satisfied that brian would truly appreciate the sheer enormity of the thing so i left it on the counter for when he got home. i would post the pictures here but they honestly make me blush.

fell into a two hour k-hole. dreamt about pasadena families with old money in the style of a telenovela. woke up realizing i did NOTHING to prepare for my trip and ran out to get traveler's checks 10 minutes before the bank closed.

the guy who helped me was a nice guy named ricardo. i asked him if he's ever been to germany. he said no, but there's a girl who comes into this bank who used to be the point guard at ucla. she's playing for a team in germany. he says i should go try to find her. i told him that would be cool if someone can tell me where to play basketball in germany. then i realized something and asked him, wait, is she japanese? he said, yeah. her name is natalie nakase. i tell him, this is crazy but i just read an article randomly about her last month. she's an inspiration. he said, really?. he says, crap, she had emailed me but i think i deleted her email. secretly i wonder if there was something romantic between them and if he'd not been into long-distance...so i play her up. yeah, there's this amazing article about how no one thought she'd play college ball and then she excelled there and was making her way towards the wnba. wow, he says. i didn't know. she's got an amazing story, i say. i'm starting to feel like i really know this girl and have been following her career for years, the way i feel proud of her.

here's her article: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features02.asp

i randomly found it looking up my tae kwon do grandmaster because my mom told me her story was amazing: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features05.asp

so i send natalie a message because i figured i was supposed to do something. i just tell her what happened and asked her if she knew of any women-friendly basketball courts in germany. but then i read her blog and i have so many questions, like how she communicates with her teammates, and what it's like to be playing out a dream. my dream was always to play professional sports. softball was supposed to be my ticket but it eventually took my left knee...yet who knew i was an even better basketball player. i wonder if i hadn't been so angry at my father, if i had stuck with basketball, if things would have been different.

(today's digressions are bad)

so after the bank, i go to the gym. adeleine from work had said she hoped to see me there when she went for training. i do the elliptical for an hour (hopped on and off for the people waiting so it wasn't a satisfactory hour) and some bike, watched 3 episodes of curb your enthusiasm. ethan/etan (the basketball stalker) came by. i had worried over the weekend that i would end up punching him if he said the wrong thing when we saw each other again. basically, he's been harassing me because he's arrogant and can't believe i'm not interested in him. yes, he's a good-looking guy, top 30% of guys i actually talk to, but just so, so stupid. he keeps oversharing about his asian girlfriends and then no matter what i say to him, he just tells me i'm difficult and a piece of work. he did something kind of fucked up as a joke that was mean to this weird old guy who's always staring at me, so when he caught me later, i'd told him that was really mean and not cool. then i told him, look. i'm a very nice person, and i like being a nice person. i don't like this verbal sparring but i'll do it because i'm basically mirroring you and i can't help that. but if you want to talk to me, you need to talk to me like a normal human being, otherwise i'm not talking to you anymore. then he flew off the handle, was upset about this "normal human being business." he said i was ridiculous then stormed away. i kept working out for another 10 minutes before i left, but i was seething inside. if he'd just put down this weird aggressively defensive approach, i'd be willing to get to know him. but it's like having someone who keeps slapping you on the back of the head.

so today, of course, he walks up to me and says what's up and i think, oh no. but he's actually nice today, making an effort. so maybe he did hear me. just a little bit. but he still talks to me like i'm this creature from another planet and he's an angry little boy who's equally as terrified as intrigued. but i gave him a couple of points because he was making an effort.

his business partner hops on a machine and when he finds out i'm in marketing, he tells me their company needs help with marketing. i tell him, i'm trying to build up my marketing company right now so i'd be happy to do freelance consulting and can bill depending on the size and scope of the project. it sounds like they need help with their website, defining their market and working with press and product placement, all things i can do. i ask him to email me with their web address but he's gotta go play basketball so he tells ethan(etan) to do it. he emails me from his blackberry. he jokes, where should i put my phone number? i say dryly, of course, cuz you've been trying to give it to me for months. he's offended so i say bye and leave.

i check my email when i get home but i figure i'll look at their website later. as i'm in my inbox another email from him comes in. he's written: when r we going out? i write back: when i'm convinced you can talk to me like a human being on a consistent basis. the 10 minutes today was a good start... he writes: unreal! i quote you lines and stories i attempt to make u laugh. wow.

whatever.

it's as much fun as banging your head against a wall.

back to the gym. i just miss adeleine after her training. i was in the weight area, which i never venture into. i'm convinced that the dark dc marked his territory and the weight area is his the way the back cardio row and the courts are mine. we've managed to coexist without interacting for 4 months now. i know when i'm in his area or see him, it can make me wary and twisted in a way that i lose my appetite. i went in there on sunday to do work on my shoulder but his energy zapped me for two days. that's fucked up. so i went in there again today to try to weaken the energy. dark dark energy but i'm intent not to let it have any power over me.

wanted to buy underwear at victoria's secret but the mall was closing in 30 minutes and i hate rush shopping. sometimes it blows my mind the things i do to secretly amuse myself. i always wear my sexiest underwear under my shorts when i play basketball, because i think it's funny that i'm banging with the boys in the most un-feminine way...yet no one knows i'm secretly wearing very feminine lingerie. i've also let someone call me cindy now for a couple of years.

went home and discussed the porn burrito with brian. saw i had a message from rie and as i went to call her, tracy called. talked to him. i do admire him in some ways and do feel he can be impishly evil sometimes. i think he wants to know if he's managed to push a button. am putting something in the mail for him and hope it results in inspiration. called rie and we talked about tango, men, heartbreak and the rules of married conduct (i love calling her a desperate housewife). she insists i visit amsterdam. i told her, it looks like it would be logical for me to go there first, but if i tell people i'm going to germany and i end up spending the whole time in amsterdam, people will think i'm a drug addict. she promised me amsterdam is beautiful. i would like to see the anne frank museum so i'm willing to consider it. i only know one person in amsterdam...it was this guy i met in cancun over christmas who told me the next time he saw me, he would prove to me what a great lover he is. i think he meant it as a promise but i kind of took it as a threat because he wasn't that attractive. i hope the place is big enough to not run into him...

which brings me to now. what the fuck am i doing up at 4am?