got my kcrw package today. now listening to morcheeba - deep dive.

(i could swear i already have this album). figured if i don't know, i must not have been impressed and maybe in this setting, i'll like it.

it's nice in the background tonight.

the problem with march is it can make your mind blur as you start climbing into the world of daydream. but it's quite a beautiful thing if you don't overthink it.

lots and lots of power yesterday. sunday as well. wow. good clean energy. wanted to hug everyone to see them smile.

low level anxiety starting up. very, very low frequency but a whine nevertheless. mars energy about to cut in on the dance.

went to gym. made a one handed 3 pointer while playing 21 with a black dude (he was cute but you know where i am now). he was impressed. i made it rain all day and it was effortless, the cleanest snap of the net like the ball was a mirage passing through almost every time. it was the same thing in the 3-on-3 games. effortless. and i pretended i didn't notice because i knew if i did, it would stop. but i was watching myself and thinking, this isn't me. it was the same feeling this sunday, the same feeling that one night a couple of weeks ago when the guys followed me out, telling me my shooting was like nothing they'd ever seen. i'm not at all saying this to brag because lord knows, i'm not that good generally. but, the crazy thing is, i AM that good when i'm alone. it's been one of the more frustrating things in my life, how i can do certain things really well when i'm alone, and then get anxious about people's attention so it's not even worth telling people i'm good at something because i'll never be able to prove it. but lately, i'm staying detached enough to be able to do things despite there being people watching or listening. i still lose focus though, but it's getting better.

spent some time getting to know mike. his focus comes from a deeper place but if you distract him mentally and he has to "go upstairs" to respond, he'll lose focus. i'm willing to talk to him but can't figure out where his ears are, figuratively. so i kind of give him a pat on the back kind of energy, and hope sometime in the future we'll find a common language with which we can communicate. i wonder why he feels bad about himself. when i touch it, it makes me feel sad, too. and a little dark.

i'm hearing a lot more colors and textures than i used to when i'm engaged with a person. it's like i reached a higher level of my challenge and it opened up a handful of extra colors that i've never experienced before, so i've been out there have a blast painting with them. it's creating new discoveries everywhere.

finished booking my ticket today. it was more complicated than i realized it would be but it's done. i said i would be in germany this week, and i will be. (TERRRRRRRIFIED. good thing i tend to dismiss my emotions quickly).


you are a liar.

i know.


the kids called from work today. i was on my way home from the gym and picked up the call to hear avi and adeleine. they said no one was in the office (the narc's in israel) so they're just chilling. it was good to hear from them. like hearing from your friends at camp while you're home spending the summer with a tutor. which is strange because technically i'm the one having fun, even though i'm in a period where i'm doing a lot of hard work in other ways. adeleine told me that avi was coming in on time and wearing button down shirts every day, and i was really happy. i don't tend to get my hopes up but when i find out that one of my messages actually manages to go from something abstract to something real, it's amazing. i had high hopes for avi and one of the last things i kept saying before i left, was for him to give people no reason whatsoever to belittle his capabilities and his contribution. and that i couldn't wait for the day in the future, when i pick up my phone and it's him calling to tell me he's in sf for the day on business, and he's this successful guy now who's gotten to the place he's always wanted for himself. they said they missed me but my energy is still in the office. i told them to take care of each other, especially the boys with adeleine. i promised adeleine i would see her at the gym tomorrow.

you know i'm creating another person in here, right? that's the secret. just know this.

11 11 > 22.

22 is reality.

>22 is everything beyond our wildest dreams.