people define their lives in different ways. as fathers. as sons. as daughters. as mothers. as affable clowns, as centers of knowledge, as the sparkplugs that bring people together. as dedicated workers, as brooding others. they all choose one dominant reality to exert their energy in no matter how many identities they carry.

i'm learning that sometimes people won't see you at the same frequency you see them because they can't. acknowledging one reality will often challenge the existence of another, and sometimes, people have built too much upon a foundation and they can't risk upsetting that reality.

sometimes, i don't know what to do with myself.

i promised people magic. and i've shown it to them, but only alone, only in the deepest of night. often, i disappear right after as i can not afford these realities to be challenged by the light of day. should i find it in me to do what i can do in the light of day? then i will really know what i'm capable of. but then, there will be no hiding from other people. obama has magic. i have a feeling if he's in office, more people who have unique capabilities to create change will come out of the woodwork. i can definitely feel the energy stirring under the surface.

*****
yesterday. lacking direction. family wanted to come down and visit but at the last minute, i told them not to. i'm too vulnerable right now to let them get their hooks into me. i want to maintain boundaries, but if the right choice is to move closer to them, then that is the choice. but not now. right now i'm free.

got sad yesterday when i think, i would be getting off work about now. drive aimlessly but end up on the 10 towards the beach. good idea. i park my car and bring my bag to find a cafe to read, but i change my mind. i put everything away and went into exploration mode (iPod, car key, id/credit card wrapped in a $20 bill). set the playlist to a life less ordinary soundtrack (been in my iPod for years...never listened to it), and head out.

exploration mode = wipe my mind blank until i am receptor for observations and explore an area like a tourist. usually i find something of existential value (person, place, object, symbol) to be used later.

venice beach is my favorite for this. with the setting sun behind me, i encounter a group of boys playing football. the quarterback looked my age but the kids ranged various ages from 7 to about 15. i stopped and watched for a bit. i bet the quarterback is a natural big brother type. i marked him with a leo sign.

passed a senior home with one lone old man sitting in a chair watching the sunset from a window in the empty lounge. it was bittersweet tragic and for a split second, i felt like i'd been punched in the face and teleported to miami. looked at the sunset to reorient myself, kept walking. it wouldn't be bad to end your life in a place where you can see the sun set over the ocean.

i have this ability. people can't see me when i don't want them to see me. like even if they notice me, they won't care enough to remember me, an event lost by indifferent hands of memory. the way you do it is you output this absolute belief that you don't believe these people around you are real. that they're as much a part of your subjective experience as trees in a forest. they are background talent in your movie. it's like by removing them from your reality, you turn yourself into background in theirs. it's how i sneak up on people as a practical joke. but what will happen is you start to randomly notice other people who can see you. and these are the people who have something interesting to say to you and help you along like those helpful villagers in morrowind (okay, i'm not a moron but i just couldn't get into that game). so if you really focus yourself, you can have a level of control over who sees you and who doesn't and therefore, who approaches you and who doesn't.

those who do notice, we'll see each other and smile, maybe wink. sometimes it's a double take and then a polite nod, but today, they let me go on my way. i didn't really feel like talking.

i read something that made me want to focus on symbols today rather than people. so i walked and scrutinized graffiti and structures until i found this sculpture that looked oddly like a symbol i had just seen in a book. it felt like this was the one. it pointed towards the sunset so i decided i would sit right under it and watch the sunset. as i stood under it, i followed the line drawn from the sunset, through the sculpture and turned to see it ended at a tattoo store. i'll get a tattoo when i find my personal symbol. but then i realized, right next to the store right behind the sculpture...was the place where that german guy and i had sat and watched the sky lighten as we discussed our thoughts and paths with open candor until 8 in the morning. that same night that i had realized that we were meeting just as he was experiencing an ending and i was experiencing a new beginning, on a day that doesn't exist (2/29). in fact, it had been so mystical, like sitting in a portal in which despite language barriers, we were able to convey every idea, color and texture in our heads, that he even wrote me an email afterwards commenting on the strangeness and magic of the night. i couldn't believe i hadn't realized this was the same sculpture from that night.

watched the sun set. walked back down the strand in the dark like a ghost.

it was a good day.