From 3/19:

In one of my dreams last night, I was hanging out on a lazy afternoon with a good friend of mine. I told her, marriages are like pancakes--you screw up the first one, but the next ones are better. You do it, you figure out your mistakes and the second time around, you know who you are, you know what you want, and you know what's achievable and what's not and it's better. While there are plenty of first marriages that do work because they've been built on strong foundations, this learning curve is a major reason why so many first marriages fail and second marriages succeed.

I woke up amused. That was totally a conversation I would have in real life.

I think in hindsight, I was driven by that knowledge. As it neared the end, I secretly hoped my relationship with Reggie was a close enough simulation of a first marriage, because in a way, in hindsight, I did view it as a sacrifice in hopes that whatever came next would be the sum of efforts, knowledge and giving up something that was of great value to pave way for something amazing. Maybe it'll turn out to be an idealistic pipedream. I don't know. But I have to be open to the possibility instead of knowingly settling.

I've also learned that your history, your memories, your life as you live it now, not as you always imagined it would be...these are all yours. You own it so you have the ownership to do what you want with it. Your life is not perfect because there's no such thing, but it's yours. And as with everything, you can either choose to accept it or not. It's much easier to make changes though, if you accept it. Everything that you've experienced, everyone you've known, every interaction and thought, belongs to you for better or worse. How you decide to cherish it or not, is also a personal decision.

Some days when I'm alone, I think about my life and I wonder if I'm a good person. I know my core motivations are pure. Nothing makes me happier than making another living person smile and feel warmth. I like protecting those who are not as strong as others, and I like reminding people of their hopes and dreams and personal potentials when they seem to have gotten sidetracked. But these are just these psychic hugs I give people that for whatever reason, seems to make them blossom. The sincerity is real, but the person isn't exactly there. You've been touched by a projection. Because the only thing I ask for in exchange, occasionally demanding it when necessary, is for no attachment. I know that comes off badly sometimes. I know some people have gotten hurt. But the thing is, we had a positive experience together, you got something and I got something, but I can't be in everyone's life to the same degree as these interactions. I don't like getting too attached to too many people because at the end of the day, caring deeply is a responsibility I take seriously.

I need the freedom to get out and meet a lot of different people, to understand human hopes and dreams despite disappointment and pain, and how to use my energy to bring about positive change. I care about people and I love everyone in a broad, spiritual way, the way someone admires the view of a sprawling forest without having to own the trees. But there are always individual people who I've accepted into my life, and whether they suspect it or not, to be accepted in my life means I've woven you into my emotional fibers. It means that I've accepted that someday, when death separates us, it will be a deep and sorrowful loss, but I've accepted that consequence, borrowed against a future debilitating pain for the pleasure of caring about you and having you close to my heart. I'll take your well-being as personally as my own, and I'll always see the beauty in you and want you to attain everything you want out of life, putting out my energy in ways you may not realize to move you towards that.

It's important to me that I surround myself with people I truly care about, people I would go to war for, but it doesn't mean I'm not sincere and genuine to everyone else. I just don't want to be committed emotionally and spiritually to too many people. And the problem is that after one of these random connections, people don't always want to let me leave and it becomes messy, sometimes ruining the positive exchange. In turn, that makes me not let as many people in. But if everyone promises to behave and not cling to me and pull me into weird little repressed dramas where I don't belong, I'm going to try to get more involved with people. Just please...separate the message from the messenger.

Let's make this a positive experience.