While emailing about memories with someone, I suddenly had a memory of my childhood. I was a happy kid. I mean, like, seriously happy. I mean like, seriously ADHD let's celebrate the universe at the top of our lungs happy. The problem was, I couldn't celebrate by myself. I needed to infect everyone to celebrate with me, and this posed a big problem for teachers outnumbered 25 to 1. My parents were SO embarrassed and still talk about it to this day. But I'll tell you, the kids loved me. I could incite them into the most Lord of the Flies frenzies, even if all I had to do was let them chase me in circles until the adrenaline and euphoria took over.. I was a little war leader and guru which was a hard thing for my parents to try to hide from their peers.
Whatever they did to me afterwards, I am now shy. But no matter. I'll keep moving.
I was reunited with a long lost friend in high school, and one of the first things he mentioned was a secret game we played as 5 year olds. I had forgotten about the old me, but now we were sharing a memory, a connection. We grinned about it and always did, every time we saw each other. In another storyline, his girlfriend HATED me.
Maybe that's what it is. Attention. If you pay attention to someone and they simultaneously pay attention to you, you establish a connection and a memory is made. Rie called last night and wanted to show me an article pondering the power of seduction. One woman was quoted as saying, “you fall in love with anyone who will listen to your story.” Is that all it is? Is it that simple? But I think it is. If you take the time to listen to someone, and they happen to notice that you're listening and it melts a part of them, you forge a connection within which you convey each other's life stories.
Maybe that's my talent. That's what I'm good at. My coworker called it magnetic. When I was exploring my bad side, he called it mindfucking. But sometimes being around me, people become more aware. There's an actual transference of energy and we're suddenly on the same channel. I subconsciously move them towards an expansive expression of themselves and support them with motivation. They open doors that allow me to understand more of themselves. And somehow, we're able to go about day to day like nothing's going on. I've had conversations with close friends about this. But what I don't tell anyone is that what's difficult for me is that once I feel a person's awakening, I can't help but feel love for them. It's nothing possessive, just a feeling on my chest that melts because I want to be a good person, but not where I'm willing to ever let the person know. I always try to make sure they can never tell for sure, that the fleeting image of the real person inside of me was just a whimsical dream, like the ghost of a beautiful woman who only appears to lonely strangers on a foggy night. Something about people knowing about the love I feel for them feels dangerous. I feel like I'm just adding complications to their lives and that I probably already did. So I usually just dismiss the feeling. I'm sure it goes back to some childhood or past life dynamic, but I'm okay with the way things are right now. I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my freedom and be caught by anyone. It's a struggle though. It's always a struggle. But every day, I still reach out to new people and electric connections knowing I never get to keep anything I reap. I keep my distance from people but leave lines of communication open. And if anyone really wants to reach me, they can reach me.
