had basketball training today. put a basketball in my hand and i am poetry in motion.

i wish i played like this when i was 21. i would have been a college athlete and maybe gone professional by now. my knees...how they failed me. perhaps that was the universe's way of telling me athletics weren't my path. but whenever i'm playing and people comment about how hard i work, how good i am, how they can't believe i'm in my 30's, i always laugh inside at anyone who truly believes i have no discipline. i tend to joke and defer attention away from how serious and intense i am, making self-deprecating comments about how i have no discipline or self-control, but seriously, look at my life. look at my body, my mind, my outlook. how much discipline it has taken to be who i am today, where i am today. it makes me feel really good when people recognize and respect that.

and patience. when it comes to waiting for the right moment, the amount of patience i can dedicate to infatuation or goals is astounding. for 2 years, i've been busting my ass to cross paths with baron davis, for reasons i don't know myself, but i've never forced it. i know it will happen when i'm in the right position. for 3 years of college (my entire college career), i didn't date anyone because i was in love with a boy whom i could never express myself to. i have that discipline. and i have that patience when it comes to things i believe in, waiting for the right moment to grasp, even if that moment extends through my lifetime and never comes. but i can have that patience for the right moment.

i can get in quick, or i have the patience for a slow seduction...

i think seduction is about opening doors. making a connection. getting someone to put their trust in you, let you in. sometimes it's mutual. those are the best seductions. but it's got a stigma because people often use powers of seduction to win someone over, get something from someone else, whether or not their intentions are good or self-motivated. people don't like to feel that someone has power over them. i'm quite adept at seduction...because my inner truth and capacity for faith is seductive. but i'm careful about not wanting people to feel i have ulterior motives, or power over them. this is why i have no second step. be it timidity, or an ethical constraint where i refuse in any way to have my presence construed as self-motivated or manipulative, i don't do anything or take anything without someone consciously and clearly offering it to me. i don't want anything from anyone unless they are sure they want to give it. i refuse to be an instrument of their own remorse or masochistic cycles (you'll meet some people in life who have a bad habit of giving away things, and then feeling resentful like victims. don't let them use you to complete this negative cycle). i just like to get in, understand people, help if i can, take only what people truly want to exchange. but usually, i leave everything the way i find it. it's like the vampire code. i only go where i'm invited. people have to want me, for me to want anything from them. otherwise, i'm pretty self-contained trying to make the connections that get me where i'm going, looking for the people who i feel at home with and who call me home, and just feeling happy being helpful where i can be.

my coach today was at it again. i'm shooting free throws and he says, tell me, ms. confidence, i wanna ask you a question.

sure, i say.

why do you think you can have me? why do you have so much confidence that you can get into my head?

i laugh. i was expecting something along these lines, but not this angle specifically.

i don't think i can have you, i said. but i know that guys tend to be fixated on me, and whether or not they understand why, i suspect it's because they can't understand why a girl would have what i have, and yet, not give it up. why i would willingly not want to sleep with anyone, even though there's no reason for me not to. so guys are always poking at me, trying to find out why i don't want them, why i'm not turned on by them, why i don't let them in. but that's not the issue. the thing is, i only want what's mine--no more, no less. i can walk into this gym, see a bunch of fine brothers with their shirts off and think, wow...that's nice. but that's as far as it goes. i don't want to touch. i don't want to get involved. i want to focus on what i'm doing to improve myself, and work on my life, so that i can put myself in the best position to have what i want, and the person i want to share it with. so no, i don't think i can have you, but i think you've projected that as what i'm up to because you're the one who can't get your mind off of it. You're basically creating my power over you in your own head.

i don't think about it at all, he says, defensively.

really, i say. then why do you bring up the same conversation every session?

no i don't, he says.

it's okay, i say. i am the complete package. i'm someone who's smart, dynamic, funny, caring, capable and decent looking, but on top of that, i'm a really nice and genuine person. so i'm accessible, i'm attainable. the problem is, i only want one guy, but i don't know who he is yet, so that's why people are always poking at me. they don't understand what i'm waiting for, when i do. i know he's out there, i just don't have the specifics yet.

you're a trip, he said. you are definitely very, very interesting. i have a feeling we're going to go beyond our professional relationship, because i'm gonna have to be pals with you.

i only have one thing to say about that, i say. don't. fall in love.

i ain't gonna fall in love, he says, laughing but almost offended.

but i'm not saying this to be an asshole or out of arrogance. the dude is fixated. he's turning this into a personal quest, but the problem is, he's not my dude.

i do love our sessions though. today he would tell me how many shots i had to hit to complete a drill or redo the whole drill, and i was feeling playful so i kept telling him i would give him exactly what he wanted, so i would always make exactly however many shots he said i needed to make. then i asked him if he could let me do a long-range 3-point drill, just give me 5 shots at 5 positions outside the arc, and if i hit 12, i would give him a high five.

a high five, he asked. that's all i get?

i'm doing all the work, i said. yet i'm willing to split the reward 50/50 with you. so you should be happy with that.

i ended up hitting 14 of 25. it was kind of crap because i can hit 21 of 25 on a good day. he was impressed. some pros can't even do that, he said.

i'm fairly focused today, i said.