today's mood: laconic melancholy

brian told me once that i'm someone who needs a certain amount of time to myself to be melancholy. that it's just a part of who i am, something that i need. nothing for people to be alarmed by. i guess there's an emotional richness to being melancholy. it's probably necessary to give me moments of reflection. regardless, i'm having a melancholy day.

on the taxi ride home i got a very nice, friendly taxi driver. but after this weekend, i didn't feel like small-talking. i wanted to be left alone to the echoes of my mind. he tried to start a conversation about my vacation, but i gave him very short answers, polite still, but reserved. i realized that i do this. there's a population in this world of people who think of me as a very quiet, serious, shy person. and that's because on the days they've met me, or whatever side of me i consistently show them, they've encountered a very quiet, reserved person. like this taxi driver, these people have never seen me at a party lighting it up, have never seen me in a dark corner having a soul-searching heart-to-heart, have never seen me in work mode getting it done, have never seen me when i'm in warm, bubbly miss helpy-helpy mode. if they saw these other sides of me, they would probably feel like they're experiencing a different person. but it's all me, just different sides, different elements becoming dominant.

in regards to this driver, his entire experience of me builds the idea of a quiet, private person.

a polite person. but a blank.

one that may or may not exist.

i like that though. sometimes, i don't want to be remembered.

sometimes, i wish i could forget.

a couple of nights ago, i had a dream.

i walked into a moonlit afterworld of deep blues and shadows. the world was rich and beautiful, but everything was in disorder, in need of being put back together like pieces of a puzzle that have been jumbled and left in neglect. nothing was functional. the city was lifeless. abstract. lacking meaning and soul.

the school in particular was in shambles. the children had nowhere to go. i sat down and was overwhelmed with sadness, but i wouldn't let myself collapse. i had to be strong, there was so much work to do. it was all so much to put back together, even before we could start creating what's new and start moving forward. i stood up, gathering inner strength for the task, feeling overwhelmed but preparing to face what needed to be done when two men approached, surveying the scene.

we have to get this place running again, i said to them.

the cold wind whispered and the moon hung low. it was late. the man on the left put his things down and led me towards a sheltered spot. i followed reluctantly, untrustingly. we laid down, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me as he gently stroked my hair. he kissed the top of my head tenderly, and i let go, closing my eyes, pulled under by a deep wave of exhaustion. i suddenly had an incredible feeling of safety. of all that is familiar. of being home.

it's him, i realize. the one who echoes of a memory before time. the one i've been meeting in various recurring dreams my entire life, even in childhood, his ghost appearing then disappearing to the sound of distant train whistles cutting through midnight fog.

don't worry, he whispered into my ear as his silent, shadowed friend stood guard. just rest for now. we'll put everything back the way it should be.

between the slow, deep rhythm of his heart, and his tender stroking of my hair, i felt myself melt, letting go of worry and drifting away...back to a place where i am safe.

*****
when i woke up in the morning, i got progressively more melancholy. there were traces of him everywhere, more real than the strangers i was surrounded with. who is this man who haunts my dreams? this man more familiar to me than time? why does he give me so much solace in the shadows when i need it most, yet become an endless illusion in waking life? i strive so hard with so much faith to reach for him in this world, so that i can bring him out of the dream world into reality. but is it possible?

then i remember something. how, when i learned how to breathe underwater, it changed my life. my entire approach and perspective of the possibilities of life. maybe if i can take something i recognize in a dream and find it in the real world, i can basically show myself how to cross tangible things over from dreams to reality. i'll create a new level of freedom. of reality. of destiny.

i need you so much closer...

the dream has been in the background of my mind all weekend. as i was riding the taxi home in my laconic mood, i remembered there's a david gray song from one of his older albums i used to love but which i haven't listened to in a while. found it on my ipod, album - lost songs. david's a fellow old soul gemini. love the expression of his universe. realized how beautiful and fitting the song is for exactly what i'm feeling and experiencing lately, everything my book is about, especially how the symbology of a deep blue flame burning through shadows is one i always see in myself when i close my eyes.

perhaps this day is about how i lost this song, so that i could find it again when i needed it most.

this song is dedicated to you:

I went looking for someone I left behind
Yeah, but no one, just a stranger did I find
I never noticed, hadn't seen it as it grew
The void between us where the flame turns blue

Different places, yeah but they all look much the same
Dreams of faces in the streets devoured by names
I'm in collision with every stone I ever threw
And blind ambition where the flame turns blue

Words dismantled, hey and all the books unbound
Conversations, though we utter not a sound
I heard a rumor, I don't know if it's true
That you'd meet me where the flame turns blue

So I venture underneath the leaden sky
See the freight train with its one fierce eye
And then I listen as it tears the night in two
With a whistle and the flame turns blue

In the morning I will sing
In the morning I will sing

Through the lemon trees the diamonds of light
Break in splinters on the pages where I write
That if I lost you, I dont know what I'd do
Burn forever where the flame turns blue
Yeah if I lost you, I don't know what I'd do
Burn forever where the flame turns blue

-david gray, flame turns blue