had an intimate night with colin. he brought wine and i cooked. he wanted to try the salmon i caught, so i made a salmon dip with flaxseed water crackers, broiled salmon rubbed with garlic and olive oil, a seared asparagus salad with goddess dressing. a simple meal. colin thanked the fish for nourishing us. we spent time on the balcony and he commented how this was the best place on earth. we haven't sat alone on this balcony since before i jumped into the well and took off for europe. it was a beautiful night. we shared many beautiful insights.

one thing i wanted to remember. i asked him what i was like before i changed. he said i was very fragmented, like it was frustrating because you would get glimpses of someone really cool, but it was hard to get close to me. he said it was easy for me to live that way because it was safe, but now, it's completely different. just my eyes, the way i look at people, i'm completely connected. it feels like i'm building a safe area for people to be comfortable, instead of people having to build a safe area for me. he says i've come a long way.

i believe the same for him. that we have both kept our eyes focused on something in the distance which we've put our faith in, and through that trust, we've managed to navigate life and reach new levels of awareness. we talked about how we work for the light, and while light will never defeat darkness, what is most important is that we balance it. about how, with so much insight and power, it is so easy to take over someone else, will them to give you what you want, but it takes so much restraint and honor to stay on your side, and not exert your will. we talked about sex (he's one of the few people i talk honestly with about this topic). i asked him if he thought celibacy gives you power and he said, absolutely. i told him i was concerned how i was going to come down off this platform...that because sex is such a great force on me that it completely pulls my focus, i can't do anything if the availability of sex is there. colin says he understands abstinence because he went 5 years once, then most recently, 2. we are similar in this way. we are also people who are aware that we are very motivated by sex. so perhaps we perform these acts of discipline in order for our minds to stay focused on what we need to be doing in the bigger picture.

colin notes the fact i can be so distracted by sex as one of the ways i think like a man. i tell him that lately, i've noticed that gay guys try to get with me, and straight girls keep trying to kiss me. so i'm turning gay men straight, and straight girls gay. i ask him what's up with that, and he says it's because i'm basically masculine energy inside a beautiful woman. and people sense that. he said i probably intimidate a lot of guys, because they get close to me and realize i'm a better man than they, but it's good for them because it makes them better themselves. he said that he has feminine energy, so that's why people are so attracted to him. basically, we have achieved a balance of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, in a self-contained, personal fashion. i believe it. i feel if the night is deep enough and i'm feeling generous, i can turn into anything a person wants me to be. and it's still me, just another side of me. but i feel i'm able to achieve that, because i always know where my roots are, the core around which i've achieved balance.

he wanted me to read cards for him. so i did 3 passes, his current state, how he is at age 40, and what's going to happen to his house. everything i saw was very positive, open and stable. very nice.

we laid on the floor by candlelight, talking about life, love and dreams. he fell asleep. i covered him with a blanket and left a pillow by his head, then went out to look at the sky. foggy today, but my little gold man is above the clouds, still pointing off into the distance.

i thought of how big the world is. so big, i can fit it into the palm of my hand. but then i think, why not let it unfold when it's ready. so i put it down, bury it in the earth, and sit under the shade of a tree, waiting to see what it becomes.