so i haven't given out brian's assessment of my cruise trip. this monologue happened my first night back in la. if you should feel at all offended in anyway, please remember that: 1. it's brian; 2. so you know he was probably drunk; 3. he's from texas. he can't help himself.

[brian, glass of white wine in hand, after hearing a short synopsis of the story]:

the first thing i want to say is that you and "crazy shit" need to be on a break, like ross & rachel style. you're ross and "crazy shit" is rachel, and you guys are on a break.

what the hell are you doing meeting people on a cruise? of course you guys connected. that's all they do. guys who work on cruises only have to pay attention to one bitch for a week at a time. how convenient is that? so any dude who works on a cruise is basically like, i'm gonna work the high-seas pussy [he circles his hand like he's buffing a car]...while i'm killin' the land-based pussy[lifts a shotgun and fires]... i'm watching the real world right now, and those kids are working at a resort in cancun. you get a bunch of young, hot dudes working at a resort...they're basically mailing that pussy in for them to hit. you know what those guys are? they're swimming in pussy. up to their fucking ears in pussy. they're getting it mailed in, and they fuck it and return to sender.

and this is the last thing i'm gonna say before i pass the fuck out.

1. italian. really? they're womanizers. it's like in their blood.
2. cruise dude. you met on a cruise. that is not okay.
3. he works on the cruise. you know how i feel about dating the help. i will make a rare exception for an exceptionally hot bartender, but julia...no.

[he points a finger and wags it at me, then staggers away]

*this performance brought to you by the state of texas.