i should probably not be telling this story, but i hope that my indiscretion is forgiven by those involved.

i have a very good male friend. he is my oldest friend. we have known each other since we were 10 year olds in the 5th grade. i was a little shit when i was younger, bullying the boys. so our paths crossed when i tried to beat them up to get their basketball.

we became friends our last semester of high school as 17 year-olds when we both got jobs at the same restaurant. if you ask him today, he won't tell you that he didn't like me in the years between, only that he "didn't have a problem with me." that is kind.

we agreed to go to senior prom together as friends but then he ditched me at the last moment because he had an opportunity to go with the swedish exchange student. i was in a pickle and my parents love me a lot so they found a 2nd cousin in los angeles i didn't really know to fly up and go with me. that was one of those experiences that has kept my ego humble. no one outside of my family knows i had to go to senior prom with my cousin. that's a blog exclusive!

later he said he wish he'd gone with me because he would have had more fun. even after that, i couldn't be mad at him, even though it took my parents years to forgive him. when i was younger, i didn't have the guts not to forgive someone, and now that i'm older, i have the guts to forgive.

he went to la for college and i went to michigan. i graduated a year early and moved to la while he had another year of school left, and i hung out a little with him and his amazing girlfriend, but to be honest i was really depressed when i first got to la and kind of traumatized by my sudden independence, that i locked myself in my apartment and for the most part, disappeared.

over the years, we were always close because we're both very intelligent, spiritual, emotional deep thinkers. we both feel awkward in the social constraints of a human world. but i always respected him, our friendship and their relationship, and the three of us were good friends.

there was a period about 5 years ago. i don't remember it exactly, so a lot of this information comes from my mom. he would call me and drop hints about problems in his relationship. he mentioned red flags. i knew he and his girlfriend had gone through their ups and downs but they were great together. i really liked them together. we were both in our hometown one week and he came to see me. i felt really awkward about the meeting, kind of scared of what might be said that could not be taken back. but it was just lunch and after more months went by, things seemed better for them again. they just got married last year.

when we danced together at his wedding, i was so happy because he was so happy. it was one of those mutual tears of happiness moments. later, when i went back to our table, my mom leaned over and whispered, "that was beautiful. i took pictures of your dance so you can see for yourself. another woman might be jealous and threatened by your relationship, but [his wife] is an amazing woman who understands. anyone can see how much you two love each other. it's a beautiful friendship."

my friend is a very conscious person. as am i. perhaps there is a draw to be close with someone who is as wonderfully and painfully aware of life and its complexities as you are. there's an understanding, and such a relief and gratitude for that. but at the end of the day, can two complex people filled with questions find peace in a domestic world lacking answers? or do people who are complex require extraordinarily strong but uncomplicated people to lead them back when their eyes and minds get twisted from exertion, to stroke their hair as they fall asleep, letting the concerns of the world drift away for another day.

my mom always asserts that there had been something on the table, a question of maybe, but because i had refused to acknowledge it and he never asked, it was never formed into words, which is why he and i still have a strong, untainted relationship today. his wife and i also have a wonderful sisterhood. and best of all, i love what they bring out of each other as a couple. they are strong together.

i only want what's mine. and for my loved ones, i only want what makes them happy. i did not believe as a partner, i could ultimately make him happier than I could make him as a friend. and because i believed that, i was right.