I just ran into The Bass Player today for the second time in 3 days. It's been, what, 2 months since we first met? Everytime I see him, I marvel at how hot he is and how amazing his body is. There's really no arguing that this guy is beautiful. And I love his music. But I can just tell I'm not really into him. Anyway, we chatted but I had to get back to work and as I was walking away, I said to myself, I'm not really interested in him. Maybe to fuck, but that's about it. And it royally DISTURBED me that I said that to myself. It disturbed me that I would think in those terms, and that I would be so nonplussed by someone in his entirety, that the only thing I might possibly want from him would be sex and that's really scraping the bottom of the barrel. You would think that sex would be valued higher. I don't know what's going on with me these days. I'm being irresponsible with my thinking and my emotions, and every time I do this, I get myself into situations that I end up regretting. What the hell is my problem? Why is it so hard for me to respect someone after sex? Why is it, that when I really respect someone, then I don't want to taint him or our relationship by sleeping with him? I never give the ones that I really want to be with a chance. Because something really scares me, but I don't know what it is yet.

Last winter I got really depressed and told everyone that I didn't know why, but I did. It was totally because of what happened in Vegas. I've never had a one night stand but I used to go out of town to hook up because I believe in not pissing in your own pool so I won't hook up with anyone that I have to risk running into later on. Because maybe that physical stuff means something to me and maybe it doesn't, but I'm too scared to find out because both possibilities are terrifying to me. So I wasn't in the best mindset at the time anyway, but I went to Vegas because some of my relatives were there for a show; I pretty much expected that I would hook up. I met a guy who lived there and got a date with him easily. It was all a fucking game. A real easy pick-up. It helped that we both had the same birthday and we got a kick out of that. We went out and spent a lot of time talking and it was really good. Really comfortable . He turned out to be a really nice guy who had a lot of things to say. And made me a mix tape. :) I don't think either of us was expecting to really like the other person because I have a feeling we were both just looking for something casual. He was hurting from a break-up, and I was hurting from something else. It could have gone either way...if we hadn't hooked up, we would have probably kept in touch and had a chance at friendship, but we did. I think I was trying to meet someone I wouldn't have to care about and reaffirm that sex means nothing to me. Or more accurately, to break myself to the point of believing that. To do this, I really couldn't care about him as a person. But I did and I respected him, so I didn't sleep with him because I knew that I would have been taking advantage of him to play out something really wrong inside of me, even if he was doing the same. And after I came home, the whole situation really psychologically bombed me.

I really didn't want to know anything about this guy for fear of finding out that he's a real person, a decent person, and having to feel responsible towards that. Because it's counter-intuitive--I care about people and want to know about them, but sometimes it makes me angry that I do because no one gives a fuck about me. But I was trying to do something that would hurt the part of me that cares too much and always gets hurt. Using the most vulnerable type of situation to hurt it. That's so fucked up, I can't even tell you. And I'm worried that it's about to start up again and so I've been forcing myself to stay in town and deal with these demons. It's a scary journey, to go inside and find out WHY. But if it weren't for the fact that life has been feeling ominous lately and I'm worried that I may be running out of time and I don't even know what that means or what may be around the corner, I know I've gotta be strong and do this.

My mom said something very insightful once when I was in a relationship that I didn't really want to be in, which is something I love to do to myself. She said, "You can love someone and not even like him." It made a lot of sense to me. That intense, passionate connection that makes no sense with someone I can barely stand, someone who makes me unhappy and stressed when I'm with him. That connection is probably so intense because I'm playing out something within myself that's the equivalent of drowning myself in a bathtub. Sometimes I think it's easier to date someone that I already have a problem with (ie there's something about him that makes me already have a good idea that he won't be sticking around) so that I already have an excuse to break up with him. And then I go through the relationship holding that close to my chest, that Ace card that will tear the whole house down, by my hand, because I willed it. Because what really matters is that I'm in control, right? You know exactly what I'm talking about because you've been there. And you would rather go through this and let it tear a hole in you and everyone else who tries to get close to you than ask for help and do the courageous thing.

One day I'll grow up and be brave enough to venture into a relationship with someone that I really want to be with. And when I open up, it won't be a game anymore but the real thing, with real risks but real rewards, and I won't be afraid of each one as much as the other. So far, it always feels like a game. Like I'm not really letting go of the side of the pool. Never really giving up control. Will giving up control really kill me? Probably not, but a part of me thinks it will and I am BEGGING someone to help me reason with that part of me.