SPEAKING OF MORNING RITUALS...
A friend has offered her morning ritual. Since I type fast, I just took it down word for word.

I wake up. Hit the snooze. Many many many times. Sit up. Swear. Schlep to the bathroom. Take a niiiice piss. Turn on the heater and disrobe. Take my hairclip from the towel rack, then I put my hair in a bun. Turn on the shower, put on a shower cap, then proceed to look at my naked body. Sometimes I stand on the corner of the tub to get a better perspective of my lower part and say, FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Not always, fuck. sometimes it's crap, or jesus christ. Open the shower door, which the bottom of the shower is already becoming clogged cuz that shit needs to be fixed. Once in the shower, I untie my loofah and I get the hotel body scrub that I've stolen. I usually drop a lot of shit. I'm always dropping shit. Loofah. Most attention is paid to the chest, definitely the upper back stomach, sometimes buttcheeks, whether they need it or not. [B (off-side): What about Nanner?] We'll get to the Nanner later. That's right before I get out. Then, what I'll do is get my toothbrush and toothpaste, and begin to brush while I'm in the shower. On the odd day that I am washing my hair, I will be brushing my teeth as I wash my hair. And then as I'm spitting out the toothpaste on the tub floor which is already filled up at this point because the drain doesn't work, but it always makes a nice little clopping sound when it hits the water. And I always watch it and say, "Oo..." And then I wash the hair and soap off my body. I proceed to grab, usually my roommates nice conditioner, making sure that the bottle is left in the exact approximation including exact nozzle position. Use the conditioner...while that is working on my hair, I get my face Loofah and my oil of olay and go to work on my face. And seeing as I don't shave but once or twice every two weeks (seeing as I shave only once or twice when I'm gettin' booty...) but usually I shave my armpits when they're long. Then I will wash off my face and wash the conditioner out of my hair. The last thing I do is bend over just enough so that my face doesn't touch the wall and let the water run through my open buttcrack, and down to clean my cooter. Shut the water off, wring my hair out, then open the door and step on the damn moss-ridden rug. Towel off my face, making sure that if I do get snot on one side of the towel, that I immediately flip it over so that I don't have it touch any part of my body. Then I put on my face moisturizer. I usually wax my ears. I do that quite often. It feels good. Then what I'll do is get my mandarin and mango body lotion and start with my arms, my upper chest, down to my labial lips. You know, before you dress caress type thing. I go get my cucumber eye cream and put that on so that I retain my vitality and youth. Then I spray myself with my Longing perfume, and sometimes on my box, with the caveat being, usually that goes hand in hand with when I shaved (in relationship to the fact that if I shaved, I'm probably going to get some action). Turn off the heater, open the door. The gust of smoke recedes from the bathroom. Sit on the couch, take a few deep breaths.

We followed the speech with a question and answer session (morning ritualist hereafter referred to as GIRL).

B: Do you give the cooter any special attention as far as cleaning is concerned? For example, what if you've taken a few extra laps the night before.

GIRL: Well, I usually just do the same thing.

B: No extra soaping or scrubbing?

GIRL: I don't usually use soap because...soap is just too harsh on the cooter. And plus I've heard it doesn't taste good.

[long awkward silence]

JAMES LIPTON: What would you like to hear God say, when you walk through those pearly gates?

GIRL: Don't you think the water running through the buttcrack is a bit contaminated once it hits the cooter?
B: Yeah, totally.