A friend of mine is writing a creative piece on what would happen if you were able to know every person who has ever had a crush on you. I'm reluctant to write more about it as I don't want anyone out there ripping off her idea in any way and having her not be able to be my Suga Ma'am if she sells it one day. Anyhoo (don't you hate people who say "anyhoo?" they're the same kind of people who wear light-colored J Crew mock turtlenecks into cool bars and order chardonnays)...so as a little exercise in humility (or lack of sense...take your pick) and to fulfill a challenge, I will list my crushes for the world to see, in hopes of inspiring all those around the world to do the same, so that we can break down these walls of silence and hate and prejudice and bad Saturday night television programming to join hands in making this the LoveFest that our brethren in the Cult of Jesus Bob and Mary intended (yes, Bob was his real father. Immaculate my ass). May I also mention that I am drunk off of Captains n' Coke and life, and have to sober up enough to return to the party? Perhaps it's worth a tiny mention. Some names are not completed because I still know them, and want to be able to face them tomorrow morning.

Rollin (6 years old) - Probably my first love. He was my best friend at the Challenger School for the Gifted and Talented and taught me long division with fraction remainders at the age of 6. And we loved to play Doctor...I stomped on the bees and brought them to him half dead and he was supposed to bring them back to life, but after a whole afternoon of this, he got really frustrated because they kept dying. And now he's a doctor (I give my sadistic self all the credit). God, I hated him and talked so much shit about him to my mom. But that's because I didn't know what love was. Until Foreigner showed me.

Linus (7 years old) - remember the Pants Down Game? I know you do. Because when you moved to the town that I had moved to and we met up again 8 years later, you asked me if I remembered that game and I pretty much mumbled and shifted my eyes for a few minutes to avoid answering. Plus, your girlfriend had a death wish against me.

Josh (4th grade) - He flipped me off when he found out I liked him. Yeah. But I'm not the one who hid behind the equipment room picking my nose.

Michael Cloud (6th grade) - Yeah, he was right. I did cheat off of him on that one math brainbuster. But damn, he was smart. And that's hot.

Philip (7th grade) - he turned out to be a total dick. And then dated a fat chick.

Justin (7th grade) - he was my friend and I really liked him. One night, our softball team had a slumber party and called him up and told him that I liked him. They put me on the phone and he asked, "Is that true?" I think I hung up on him.

Nate (8th grade) - Naaaate. I dug his t-shirt about not farting and sneezing at the same time. He was cool. Just saw a recent photo of him and he's still damn cute.

Erik (8th grade) - I think our whole softball team had a crush on him. And then I saw him years later after he went off to college and turned out gorgeous. I went back and told everyone that he looked like a freakin' Swedish God. He was one of the nicest people that I'd ever met, too.

Corey (9th grade) - I had a HUGE crush on him. For two years. Bad hair, pegged his jeans, but still. Walked by him every day between second and third period and never said anything. But then one day, he smiled and it was beautiful. So I told my friend who was friends with him and she told him that I liked him and he told her to have me call him (yes, it IS that complicated). So I did and I was scared shitless and talked to him for a few minutes. At the end of the call, he was kind about it and said, "Hey, you don't have to be so nervous." That was nice. But I was too scared to call again and never looked him in the eye again, mostly running away if I passed him in the halls. Yes, that's my way. I was the master seductress.

Chris (10th grade) - baseball player, wore a baseball cap EVERY DAY. Really cute. He's married now.

Kent (10th grade) - HOT ass legs. Played basketball at the gym with him every day the summer I turned 16. He was a few years older than me but really cool. We met up once in Thailand a few years later and he told me that he always wondered if I had a crush on his friend who also played basketball with us. I never told him how I felt about him. We kept in touch for years and were even living in LA at the same time after I graduated from college, but by then, he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. I think he's married now; he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Francis (11th grade) - DJ at a dance club. Awesome legs. Kickass style. Yeah, I have a thing for legs.

Joe (12th grade) - a pretentious asshole who treats people who treat him well very badly. I wrote him a detailed letter telling him how badly he treats people and he called and talked to me about how the letter opened his eyes and made him realize the changes he wanted to make in his life. And then he went off to college, became some kind of activist, decided that his family was too bourgeoise for him since he grew up in the "ghettos of Redwood City," and dropped out of college. To this day, I hear he's still a self-absorbed, self-important asshole.

Simar (12th grade) - not sure if he ever knew. I think every one of my friends has had a thing for him at some point. We're good friends now.

Gabe (college) - he said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me: "I'm your monkey. If you want coconuts, I'll climb up that tree and get you coconuts. Cuz I'm your monkey."

Gordon (college) - creative and comic genius. I think everyone knew about this one!

Brian (college) - Maryland Brian. The crush of my life. The guy I broke my own heart over. Cisco...the newspaper...finding out that I lived across the street from him and could see into his living room...saying hi to him from my window as he walked to class...this guy taught me a lot about integrity, leadership and forgiveness...6'5 with beautiful brown eyes and the kindest smile...he believed in me...the bitch letter that nearly ruined it...Grosse Point Blank...pictured in the paper with my handcuffs...the aphrodisiac article...green M&M cookies...I was in love with you but was too scared to admit it...sorry that I asked you out and then never brought it up again and then acted like a jerk for the rest of the semester...took years to get over you when it was my fault...I still think about you when I hear Mighty Mighty Bosstones on the radio... never told you how much I appreciated everything you taught me and how you made me a better person. Another one who is married now, and I'm happy for him. This man is an incredible person and I wish him the very best in life.

Ian (college) - well, you kind of looked like Brian. And your mom worked with him after he moved back to Maryland. That was weird.

Michael (college) - no comment. SERIOUSLY. no comment

Dan (college) - who didn't? This is the guy that sex fantasies are made for.

Jason (college) - this kid could be the meanest guy, but then he'd turn around and do something really nice and throw you off guard. He seemed to like to spend time with me, but would always try to make a point of showing that he didn't really LIKE to spend time with me, which just made the opposite more obvious and frustrating. I always felt like someone must have really hurt him. We were friends but had a falling out, but I still like to get news every once in a while about how he's doing.

Fred (college) - Yeeeeeeah FRED!! Fellow Gemini. We're still in touch. He was the cutest guy in my film production class my senior year and I told my best friend so, not knowing that he was in the next room and could hear us. I guess he had a girlfriend but that whole deal was really funny. He's a creative genius, though sometimes a little scary with the sex jokes. I'm kicking his fantasy basketball team's ass right now. Fred...move out to LA! You need to unleash your mad sense of humor on this inane industry.

Carl (college) - I think every girl in the film program had a thing for this guy. We went out and then he told me he had a girlfriend. And then he invited me to his place for a "platonic" hanging-of-out and made a point of showing me his bed, then put on a foreign film, showed me the tattoo that canvassed his back and tried to feed me the "Nice shoes" line (for those who don't know, the next half of that line is..."wanna fuck?"). Yeah, I left because I wasn't interested. Don't like cheaters who use bad lines and are terrified of their girlfriends.

Andrew ('00) - I seemed to always insult him without meaning to. I tried to compliment him by telling him that he looked like Marlon Brando, but I meant Brando when he was young and he got mad cuz he thought I was calling him fat. Then another day, he was wearing a light blue button-down and I told him that I liked his shirt. Then I realized that my boss (a woman) was also wearing a blue button-down with khakis and blurted out, "I think Melissa's wearing the same outfit." He said, "You mean they make this for men?" That was a funny comeback but I feel bad about that comment to this day. I really didn't mean to insult him; it just always seemed to come out that way.

John ('01) - Vegas John. Wow, our signals got crossed so badly the first time we met, that I came back a few months later to set it straight. You were a total sweetheart and so damn cute; we were supposed to go out, but I got so worked up about it that I misunderstood your emails and stood you up accidentally...twice. Don't blame you if you were mad. Glad you got out of Vegas. Like I said, I still remember your birthday...June 27th.

Zach ('01) - what a waste of time. Kid doesn't know who he is but he bleeds everyone around him because he can't stand up on his own legs. And he lies to himself and to the people around him. I've got no respect for him. He's just a boy who's not good enough to be my friend. You can't pretend to eat if there's still shit on the table, man...

There. I listed them. Now give me my money.