Once when I was 8, I was playing with a neighbor's dog, some kind of bulldog mix, but a total mutt. I remembered that there was another neighbor who had some pure-bred golden retrievers. I just figured that they would like to play together so I lured the dog over to the neighbor's house. When we got there, the golden retrievers were outside. Suddenly, the woman who owned the house came out and started screaming, "Pei! Get that dog out of here! Right now!" She was arms waving, hair flying pissed! I got really scared and grabbed the dog and nearly dragged him back down the hill. I only understood as much that those dogs are really special and I guess she didn't want the mutt getting them pregnant with mixed babies, even though I had no idea how that happens yet. It's strange that my first inkling about sex involved pedigree. But it really hurt my feelings that she would get so angry about it and that she didn't even say my name right. I never looked her in the eye again. I heard she asked my parents a few months later why I never came by her house anymore. It was because I just couldn't face her. I was really ashamed of myself for that whole incident.

The strange thing is, is that sometimes I bring guys home to meet my parents and it feels like that whole incident all over again. Like I'm luring a mutt up the hill again and my parents, like the woman, tell me that I'm with a mutt and I feel ashamed. I don't really think it's about the boys. I think it's about my recreating a traumatic incident.