Okay, here's my psychology thought for the day. I was at work at my confidential job so I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble just for saying as much as I'm about to. But I watched a therapist give some good advice to a really mellow guy whose wife said he had a lot of anger inside but would put it away and not even know when he was upset; he really believe that it wasn't a big deal. He grew up in a family where authority was oppressive and he was often told to keep quiet about negative things (ie "don't tell so and so that or he'll have a heart attack.") His upbringing implied that everything had to seem okay and possible conflict needed to be avoided at all costs. So to be open about negative emotions meant disaster, and to repress these emotions meant strength and altruism. She was worried about this repressed rage. I wanted to pass it on because it really made me think about my own anger that comes from the past.

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Anger can feel like not just something we need to control, but something that makes us feel weak or scared or even numb.
You might not be aware when you're angry. You might know it, but also not know it. When something gets you angry, you might first get numb, and that might be when your defense kicks in and you decide that you have to stay in control. Rather than get into conflict, which is what you're afraid of, you withdraw. Because you're afraid it will upset your partner and it will hurt her. So you would rather withdraw than hear about your partner being unhappy. You're afraid to hear what you may have done that made your partner unhappy. Even when she could be unhappy for other reasons, you are afraid to know why she is unhappy, for fear it may be because of you. So you assume the worst case scenario, then withdraw to avoid it. The same goes, vice versa. Whether there are emotions that come from your partner or you, what reassured you was that you were in control of them, which could have then brought on the numbness, which assured you that you were in control. But to your partner, it can feel like you're rejecting her and refusing to deal with the issue.

When it comes to dealing with conflict, you have to learn how to trust yourself. That you're not going to blow up. It's just like, when someone clenches their fist, they're saying, "I don't trust myself. I may do damage." It's self-fear.

The wife interrupted and told the therapist, "he used to punch walls and do other things to hurt himself when he was mad, like bang his head against the wall."

The therapist says...When you do something against yourself, it's another attempt to keep control. You don't want to hurt someone else so you hurt yourself. It's also a loss of words. You don't know how to say how you feel, so you have to act it out.

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My thought for the day:

When people argue, they are coming from a place of simultaneously not wanting to get hurt and desperately wanting to be heard.

You must use conscious thought and effort rather than sub-conscious reaction in order to change things and try something different (more positive) within conflict.