the train whistles here aren't as romantic as the train whistles at home, but they're good enough while i'm working. sometimes when i hear them, i get so happy, i curl up on the floor, laughing. i can't believe i'm here.

i like my place. it's private. there's a sacred solitude. only michael has been here (he helped me build it), and the cable guy. when i imagined it, i always said it was a place no one knew about, the place where i go when i disappear. it reminds me of somewhere else i've been and loved, somewhere just a breath outside my periphery, maybe here on earth, maybe in a distant memory. that's why i just won't give out my phone number here. this place is for me.

all i have is an air mattress that kind of feels like a waterbed, which reminded me of a curious time in my childhood when i slept in a waterbed. ah, how our early experiences shape our eyes. i kind of like it. i contemplated the poetry of just making this the arrangement, sleeping on an air mattress that i have to keep inflated with my own breath, with the only other real piece of furniture being the chair i sit in when i stare out at the ocean.

this makes me want to run a social experiment of what would happen if i only interact with the world at night and responsible julia says, "nooooo."

so many decisions to make! i really like my pace of life right now. today i ate 2 sandwiches for lunch, met a tour group of women all outfitted from head to toe to hair in hot pink, played the only video game i have for 6 hours (nba live09--finally got a chance to break it out). did a fantasy draft and got rashard lewis, al jefferson, andris biedrins, chris paul, mike conley jr., nick young and anthony randolph for my golden state warriors. went undefeated for the first 5 games. it was like a warriors fan's dream, to take control of our beloved team and steer them into victory. i love my basketball team the way i love a little brother with a disability who has a heart of gold. it felt good to imagine an inspirational, happy world for something i love, even if only in a video game.

my mom called. everyone was in a good mood. i almost told her about what i'd been doing, but felt tired at the thought of trying to explain to her why i was happy. our whole family loves the warriors. i'm convinced that this past april, when jamal crawford pushed through the crowd after our last home game to give my dad a hug and thank him, that was a miracle to give him a push towards living.

light changes time to color.

we are all the same
and sometimes we are different

i don't want anyone who will clip my wings.
i want someone who can fly.