2009 retrospective
a transformational year--bigger, faster, stronger, wiser. the year i started glowing. celibacy and being devoutly single. personal power. the most magnetic year yet. stretching out my wings. getting serious. getting strong. bringing it up to the light then leaving the past behind. reaching out and touching people. my will becomes my way. training like a professional athlete. mornings in santa monica training with tyson chandler and kevin love. urth cafe and honey vanilla lattes. sunsets and strangers at the other room. abbott kinney and venice beach. medical marijuana. the brownie shaman giving out positive experiences. ballin' like a fiend. not good for a girl, but a good ball player. coach mike. ignoring the siren call and six packs of big, black bruthas. living in orlando. the aftermath of a break-up, like detoxing from a hard addiction. nightly dream invasions and finally...silence...the peace of a bond broken. sarah, jef, truth and killer, drumming in rock band. writing and gyming. girl bonding. 3rd party marriage therapy. please don't set me up on a date. dinner with adonal foyle who kept talking about sex. health scare with dad and an emergency plane ride home. father-daughter bonding. strawberries and dvds every night. childhood home packed in boxes and torn apart. dead mice and insects inside the walls carted off in the hundreds. finally, a home cleansed. 2 escapes to seattle for solitude. was good both trips. easy summertime in the city. sunsets, strangers, healing and magic. the missed connections guy. louca. the 47 year-old who wouldn't leave me alone. reconnecting with josh--7 Grand, a group of 1940's re-enactors, a couple of brownies and the awkward fear of looking each other too deeply in the eyes...a beautiful night, complications averted and the depths of a lifetime friendship take root. small birthday at home, opening up the back balcony--as cindy said, "most peaceful place in la." jason won't go home, staying until the sun rises but too passive to make a move. brian passed out in a little ball on the couch. good birthday. daisy's bachelorette. i prove i can get along with other girls and they can fall in love with me. some really, really want to kiss me. reggie bush, corey maggette and the kardashians at pure. who the fuck are the kardashians. red dress and dancing. a display of power over big, black men, who follow me through crowds because i told them to. i could have 'em if i wanted 'em, but in 2009, the year i realized i only want what's mine. this is a truth that holds power. stupid rob from santa barbara trying to cheat on his girlfriend. called out. the power of full moons...june, july, then august and ever after. the cruise to alaska. the beauty of meeting christian. time. magic. the dash. a newfound fountain of poetry and synchronicity bubbling up from a deep well through the surface of a cracked earth. the meanings of hello's and goodbyes. bonding with edison and jonathan. seattle opens up a portion of map now suddenly available. magic magic magic. 09-09-09 and i'm there. a wonderful journey with michael. amber and jason--a symbol of positive partnership. seattle in the light, seattle in the gray, seattle laying naked and bare in a deep blue night mindscape. music everywhere. the triple door--giant aquarium, green dragon, my fish friend. the men of seattle like moths to a flame...can't stay away from me but don't know what to make of me. lots of truth and connections. lots of truth in connections. but i won't give out my number because i'm committed to only wanting what's mine. the birth of elixr. running along the water. a different sunset every night. watching the boats come in. a surprise visitor. a journey of words without meaning. a journey of meaning without words. a silence that reaches out and touches itself at the other end of the ocean. next level achieved. solitude and a plunge into fall. red, gold, orange littering the sidewalks with gray skies and rain, singing, i'm kickin' through the autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to. a torrential rainstorm, a problematic lavender dress and a beautiful wedding. basketball with steve and a near dislocated jaw. joining a women's team and regressing back to high school. my first screenwriting contest in years. a determination to succeed. halloween in my pajamas. bonding with ching-wen. she's the closest thing i have to a sister by blood. sweet sebastian. bad shoulder needs surgery. i put it off. thanksgiving turkey. rie, eric and seigo move to berkeley and closer than ever now. a realization that i want to be in san francisco soon. josh's fiance is uber-threatened by me, but i am determined to be above it and make it work--his friendship means too much. pretending to not notice the digs and being nice, and one day, she lays down the sword and makes a genuine effort to bridge. joining his lunchtime basketball game. meeting shane. my need to hunt overwhelming now. eyeing him like a big cat eyeing a gazelle, while simultaneously being eyed by a prowling panther with dragon tattoos. no good, no good. it's the jungle now. warriors games and mikki moore. a new t-shirt slogan. december comes on like a sleet storm, thundering train. the end of team bj, the formidable duo of brian and julia. the end of an era. giving up los angeles. a sad, sad goodbye to bring on a sooner hello. december ends politely with a neatly-made bed and a thank you note.
2009--a big year.
the dream of a butterfly that could possibly be real.
transformational, meditative, a patient year with glimpses of magic
i am thankful for 2009, the people, places and experiences that taught me, tested me, nurtured me, enriched me and brought me closer to myself and where i'm going. an 11 year ending with a full moon on a 9 day. beautiful and poetic. i'm sad to see it go, and i look forward to the new challenges and experiences of 2010.
and to the familiar faces within strangers i am soon to meet, i look forward to those days when we meet again.
happy new year, everyone. have a blessed 2010.
Just got back from Reno, on vacation with my family. Everyone got along beautifully and we had a great time. It was snowing and there were lots of people swimming in the outdoor pool, which was steaming from cold air contrasting with the heated water. I wish I'd brought my swimming suit. Won $450 playing $10 blackjack with my mom. Had a 5-minute snowball fight with mom and brother on the way home. Dad was in a good mood. Nothing else to report. Reno is Reno. Oh, mom got pulled over on a suspected DUI. She was just lost. A nice little brush with what Reno's best known for, Reno911.
haha, my mom just came up to me and said, "I think your dad has been a better person because of what you gave him on Christmas eve. How many days can it last?" I told her it can last a lifetime if you gained wisdom and perspective, and believe in them. He just needed to learn how to relax without escaping, to back out of the corner that no one put him in but himself, to be present within a moment enough to see the world from a more positive, open perspective. His brother asked me for the tea and later said he went to play badminton and won two games. He was so excited. "I never win!" he said, "And I won twice in a row!" I gave it to him again on Christmas eve and checked on him later, asking him how he felt. He gave me this smile that lit up the room and said, "Happy!" My cousin said he was super nice the day he tried the tea, even taking the time to teach a kid how to shoot a basketball. I told him it often brings out the best in people, because you see the world in such an interconnected way, and you really want to be good and do good. You can't look at it like the herb changes you, but that the herb allows you to recognize yourself, and bring out the best (truest) form of yourself. It's not the herb, it's you.
For me, it's not about medicating people for short-term effects. I won't give it to people to numb themselves (except people who have cancer to help with pain). I don't agree with using this as a drug for escapism. This is about empowerment, not crutches. It's about showing them a different perspective, seeing themselves as more holistic and powerful, seeing how they can reach their potential. It's not about a short-term chemical effect. It's about creating space to recognize yourself and your potential, to go after openings that will help you be the person you've always wanted to be, go after the life you've wanted. Stop using so much energy to fight or feed fear and anxiety...open up yourself to efficiently use your efforts towards positive changes and attainment.
My mom said to me the other day that when they legalize it across the boards, she sees me as becoming some kind of healer and spiritual leader. I smiled inside. That's exactly one of my long-term goals.
yin and yang. everyone is both feminine and masculine, both dominant and submissive. it's in the balance of true opposition, the real symbols, bringing them within complementation that springs forth power. if you are conscious of the whole of your being, all that is light and darkness, all that is within and without, you have the potential to tap into all that you are.
well, it's done. my mom and i flew down to LA Christmas morning, packed up my place, and now my life is stuffed in a 10x15 ft. storage box. it was pretty unbelievable that the two of us packed up everything in a day and a half, and when the movers came and took everything away, it was sad to see it so empty. that place is the only place i've ever considered home. but it's better this way. i've gotta do what i have to do so the sooner i get to where i'm going, the sooner i can come back. plus, renting it out will mean i can pay off the mortgage sooner. i would like it to be fully paid in 7 years.
i also think it's necessary to have done this because when i get married, if we decide to live there, we can make it our place, instead of it being mine. we'll have a fresh canvas to work with. i look forward to getting married, and telling my future husband who already thinks he's won the lottery by landing me (because why marry someone unless you each think you're the luckiest people in the world for having found each other?)...
"Oh, by the way, I have a penthouse in the heart of LA we can live in if we want."
haha, that will be awesome. that place is the best place on earth. the energy is just unbelievable. even the movers were commenting how amazing it is.
well, end of an era. but without endings, there are no beginnings. so the sooner i leave on my journey, the sooner i can get back.
love you, ph400. see you soon, old friend.
this mercury retrograde is starting out gnarly.
first, we arranged with the movers to come at 8:30am on the 26th, so my mom and i booked last minute tickets to fly to la on christmas morning and start packing. she wanted to get everything done so we could make a late afternoon flight home and catch the warriors game that night. so i booked the tickets and the car rental online, but somehow, i got the dates wrong and booked the return on the 27th instead of the 26th. human error...totally my fault.
so my brother had to call the airline and change the tickets and at first they said all flights were full for the 26th, but he got us on a flight. when we got to la, turns out that i did the same with the car. since i went through hotwire, they said the extra day was non-refundable.
but i asked to speak to a supervisor, and i explained that i understood that this was their policy and i totally knew it was my fault for mixing up the dates, but it was christmas and this was my first time using hotwire. that especially in a bad economy, it's easier to retain a customer than gain new ones, and i would really like to have a positive experience with hotwire. i told her that if she charged us, it was cool, but asked if there was anything she could do, any other options. she ended up refunding us for that extra day, which was incredibly nice of her.
we got to my place and we only had a limited number of boxes that we brought down last time, so we filled them up and went to bed early to prepare for the big day.
the arrangement with the movers was that it was all-inclusive, so they were supposed to bring boxes and supplies and help us with everything. but when 9am rolled around and they still hadn't shown up, we called them and they said they were on another job and would show up around 1pm. we called their boss and she said not only did they not have supplies on the truck, but that they were stuck in a city 3 hours out of la and would make it when they could. we freaked out because we had a 4pm flight. she said just to buy the supplies and she would reimburse us. so we went out and got everything and started packing up.
the movers didn't show up until 3pm. we didn't get everything out until 8pm. i had to run out and get food, and a lot of places nearby were closed, so i went to this really good lebanese restaurant around the corner. they'd just expanded so the guy taking take-out orders was new. first, he helped this woman behind me first, which was irritating because i was in a hurry. then he lost my order, so it took 40 minutes (i asked him to check on it and he said, "i told you already it would be at least a 15 minute wait." i told him that people who came in after me already had their order and he just says, "oh really? i'll check on it as soon as i'm done putting in this order." he was such a douche.) then when i finally got the order, it was wrong. i almost felt like he was messing with me because he could. so when i got back, the movers were just sitting there waiting, and they took their food and left.
michael had told us that the last flight out was 9:30, so we called the airline on our way to the airport. we were told that the remaining flights had been cancelled. while my mom was calling airlines, i called the rental company to see how much it would cost to change the return location and just drive it up to san jose. it's a 5-6 hour drive. it was $155, but i told my mom (who had to make it back for a wedding the next day), the unused tickets would be credited, so we would actually be saving money by driving. so we decided to drive. which was ironic, because i'd sweet-talked hotwire into cancelling that last day, but we ended up using it anyway.
the movers forgot to take this antique chinese lantern with all 4 seasons depicted on glass panels that has been hanging in my office for good luck since i moved in, so i was psyched that i would be able to take it home. but it hangs from the ceiling, and while trying to get it off the hook, two of the glass panels fell out and shattered. i was really sad, but my mom said that sometimes broken glass is exchanged for safety from major catastrophe. the chinese always say that...sometimes minor losses (like losing money, etc) prevent you from having something really bad happen (like a car accident), so it's like paying off the universe. so we left la by car around 8:30, figuring we would get home around 2am.
the drive was good bonding time with my mom. she and i are like sisters, so because we're so close, we have an intense, close relationship, but it's overall a wonderful relationship. we're very lucky to have each other. i've always told her she should write a business book for (minority) women, because she naturally approaches everything like a war general. that if she read sun tzu's art of war and saw how similar their thinking is, i could help her write a business book based on her personal philosophy and it would be really successful. you just send free copies to asian-american business associations around the us to create buzz, and also have it translated to chinese for distribution in chinese- speaking countries. she's kind of low key though, so she always says, maybe. i wish she would do it. i would love collaborating with her. i've always wanted to write some kind of self-help, empowerment book, and especially something to do with art of war, because when i read art of war and machiavelli's prince, i felt like i knew all this stuff already from living under the wisdom and outlook of my mother.
she fell asleep around 1am, and we were about 100 miles away from fremont. it was raining and i started getting really tired. i'm a very responsible driver but it was a struggle. i was especially dejected when i thought we were closer to home than we were, and i realized we were still somewhat far out. so i must have gone faster than i realized because i just wanted to go home, when i looked and saw flashing red lights behind me. i usually get a bolt of adrenaline when i get pulled over...i had a really, really bad experience with a racist police officer once...but i was so tired, i didn't even react, just woke up my mom and told her i was being pulled over.
the police officers were really nice, saying that they clocked me at 90 in a 70, which is possible because i'd been bouncing between 75 and 85. we told them that we'd missed our flight and were just trying to get home, and they were actually really nice about it, but they still gave me a ticket. i haven't had one in a while though, so i can just do online traffic school, and it won't go on my record.
afterwards, my mom kept saying how courteous and handsome those two officers were...they were smiling and chatting with us, and overall really pleasant. she asked me if i would ever consider dating a police officer and i told her, never. if i knew a guy is a police officer, i probably wouldn't even want to really get close to him, afraid i would have feelings. i already get stressed when i know a loved one is taking a plane somewhere. i wouldn't be able to deal with wondering, every night that my boyfriend or husband is working, whether or not he'll come home. if he's safe. nothing against police officers, but i want someone who works a low life-risk occupation. i want to spend a long time with the one i love.
we finally got home around 2:30am, exhausted. my dad had waited up for us and had hot soup waiting. he was in a particularly sweet mood. i think it's because of the weed i gave him on christmas eve that helped him open up his thinking about things. the family got split up on christmas eve because i was going to cook and everyone on both sides of the family was looking forward to it, but my dad didn't want my mom inviting her family over to the house so forbade the party. he wanted to go out to dinner. but my aunt said she would host, so i ended up cooking at her house and my mom's side of the family came over, and my dad took his side of the family out. it really sucked, and made me sad as well as my relatives on my dad's side who were looking forward to my cooking, but as everyone said, "what can you do?" a lot of people know about the rivalry between my dad and my mom's brother. but i think my dad was upset about it, feeling kind of betrayed. he barely talked to me most of last week, and he and i (and he and my mom) had a few bitter exchanges. but when i got home from my aunt's party, my cousins and uncles on my dad's side were there, and they were asking about this special tea i made with my tincture, so i gave it to them, while my dad wanted to try smoking it. he said he'd tried it 30 years ago while in the military and nothing happened. it was a good experience...i'm a very good guide, making sure positive energy flows, and overall, it was a beautiful night. lots of happiness, lots of love. i think whatever happened, my dad's attitude has been much calmer and happier since that night. i hope he gained some perspective on life and the bigger picture. i wrote about it, but i saved it in drafts so maybe i'll post it later.
overall, the whole expedition had lots of kinks that i attribute to mercury retrograde, but what's most important is we got home safely, and everyone is happy. this is only the beginning though, as the retrograde officially started yesterday and ends on the 16th (giving it an extra week if you're a gemini or virgo). so everyone, be aware. back up that data, double-check all paperwork and plans, watch out for miscommunications, beware of delays and try not to sign contracts.
outside of that, happy holidays.
last night's menu:
bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with herb chevre and almonds
crab cakes with roasted red pepper & garlic aoili
spinach-artichoke dip
caprese salad with champagne dressing
prime rib with au jus
pesto mashed potatoes
broiled asparagus
corn sauteed in butter & thyme
4-cheese mushroom mac & cheese with truffle oil
strawberry cheesecake
another achievement...speed. i might not be able to outrun a guy outright, but if he's dribbling the ball and sprinting, i can keep up with most of them or overtake them (except the 20 year-old black kid who plays competitively). josh and i ran a little track race today. we were neck to neck but he got me with the angle. i'm amazed that in my 30's, i appear to be running faster.
strong body, strong mind.
i notice i'm a very physical player. the first guy who guarded me was a really big, muscular guy. the first play of the game i drove in and scored against him. then he started getting really rough with me. i told him he's fouling me every play and his response was, "you're really strong and hard to defend against." on one of the plays, i spun around to go baseline and he closelined me hard in the throat. a few plays later, i broke away into the wing and he tripped me.
i don't think he was playing dirty. i just think he was trying to contain me because he didn't want his teammates giving him a hard time and he was doing what he needed to do. but the thing is, i don't want to play too physically either, because it's a recreational game. but i just like physical contact when i play. i like the freedom of running and matching speeds, and the physical aspects of the game as much as the strategy and skill aspects. i'm not a dirty player though. if i knock into you i'll usually apologize or grab you quickly so you don't fall. but i do have my tactics and today, people really caught on to them. i have to take that as flattery though. they're playing against me and challenging me like a good player, not a good female player.
this guy freddie was assigned to guard me after the first team lost. he's this soft guy who likes to shoot on the outside. please don't post me up, he said. i laughed. i can't dunk on anyone to demoralize them, but using my ass to back them down does the same job. either way, once it's been done, it's like i've had my way with you. secretly, most of those guys usually like it.
i'm probably just feeling lonelier than usual because i'm at my parents house so i'm not in my own domain, it's the holidays, and all these people who are interested in me that i'm meeting are interesting, but they just don't feel like anything i feel strongly about as being what i'm meant to be pursuing. like distractions, you know? i feel like i could chase them, but really, i should know better. so that just makes me more restless and aware that i'm still waiting.
i'm so aware that i'm either incredibly faithful to some unknown that i haven't seen but completely believe, or incredibly stupid for wasting my life away. only time will tell.
the guy who likes me is this massive, muscle-bound el-salvadorian guy (i'd thought he was cuban) with dragons tattoed on his arms who i'm always overhearing on the sidelines talking about how tough and strong i am with this gleam in his eye. the whole gym knows he's a fan of mine. i sense he suspects i'm a monster in bed. he told me today that he likes me because i'm beautiful, strong, funny, play sports and like to cook, but the fact that i can come out and play with guys and not be intimidated is amazing. he asked me what kind of guy i like.
i looked over at the guy i've been trying to work up the nerve to ask if he's single, and i know this guy who epitomizes raw physical masculinity will laugh at me if i tell him, "that guy" because he imagines that a girl like me will want a virile tank of man, an emblem of male sexuality. like him. the guy i like is pretty average--a software guy, but i love how much heart he has, how he doesn't give up on plays. he's gotta be in his mid-30's, somewhere between skinny and wiry, low-key, intelligent eyes, warm smile. just an average, nice guy. not someone who walks into a crowd and commands attention, but that's my type--i don't care for trophies. i don't like flair; i like substance, like quiet evenings where it's about safety, comfort and compatibility rather than public flaunting.
i like guys who are smart, nice and stable. because i'm not consistent, i need someone who is. someone able to verbally bounce with me and enjoy it. accountants or engineers or worker bees by day, partners and family guys by night. privately romantic, creative, amazing, like me. guys with easy laughs who adore me, and i in turn adore them because i can feel comfortable around them. someone who supports my imagination's adventures without actually expecting me to leave home and climb mountains (i don't do that). i have a strong masculine side but i need a guy who's comfortable with his feminine side to let me back down and be feminine, just like i will let him step up and be masculine. i don't need a man's man who thinks of me as something wild to be conquered and owned, because there's a side of me that's docile, sweet and maternal, and i need someone who can appreciate and honor that side as well. i need someone sweet and warm to be by my side and share secret jokes and pleasures with. someone who will be my home when i come home.
i made up my mind last night that i was going to ask this guy if he's married after wanting to know for weeks now. but i showed up today and just didn't have the guts to ask. this other guy asked me if i was married though. i know he's interested, because he's attentive and always talking to the other guys about me. a part of me thinks, if a guy is really interested and up for the challenge, he'll approach me, the way this guy has. a woman should never have to chase or fight for that opening. you should be open but you shouldn't have to help a man approach you. because men don't appreciate things unless they earn them in the first place, so it's important to let a man be a man, if he is indeed a man. it's the only way to tell, it's the only way to get what you want. you go out of your way to make it easy for a guy at the beginning, you will be helping him, and holding his hand and accommodating his fragile ego for the rest of the relationship, if it ever goes anywhere. so i have to keep reminding myself that if that guy hasn't approached, he probably isn't interested or available. so then the best i can do, is steer my insides away from him even if they get fixated on him whenever i see him.
there are billions of men in this world. i can't act like there's only one who's ever going to love me. especially when he's made no advances.
buckle down. here comes mercury in retrograde. watch what the tide bring in since this one's crossing years. the past becomes present. voices and people from the past. memories. the present becomes fragmented. careful with your electronics and communications. take what you can learn and whatever you're asked to look at, see if there areas you can build a better foundation. be strong moving forward into 2010.
by way of vertical horizon
california.
it is everything you want
it is everything you need
it is everything inside of you that
you wish you could be.
it is all the right things at exactly the right time
but it means nothing to you and you don't know why.
i am everything you want
i am everything you need
i am everything inside of you that
you wish you could be.
i say all the right things at exactly the right time
but i mean nothing to you and you don't know why.
lots of staring from both men and women. so it's not just seattle, it's definitely something about me that's new. it's not just normal looking, but they're looking in a way that seems like they're completely not aware of themselves. sometimes they're walking by and they actually swerve or angle towards me. and the particular thing about it is how much i don't think they're aware, which would help me understand why it's happening.
then i got two fake recognitions today. i walked into a restaurant to pick up a salad while michael and my mom were getting christmas lights next door. a woman got up from her table and rushed over, then stopped and apologized, saying she thought i was someone else. i told her even if i'm not her friend, we can say hi to each other anyway. then the owner asked if i was mr. ni's wife. i said, no, but my uncle's last name is ni. after some back and forth, we realized she thought i was my uncle's wife. i'm flattered because my aunt is a very beautiful woman, but we have a 25 year age difference. but most interesting of all, was to be mistaken for someone i actually knew.
only 2 other minor anomalies.
1. friday night, my brother invited his 27 year-old trainer to the warriors game with us. he's worked at the gym that raised me since he was a teenager, so i've seen him around for a long time, though i don't know him at all. just that he was very kind once when michael got mad at me for increasing his treadmill speed and threw a tantrum. he'd taken over training michael after andrew (the 22 year-old who had the crush on me last year) left for berkeley. i'd never had a conversation with him, thinking he was one of the stuck-up types that work there (like my lust-hate relationship with the sales guy), so one day when he came up and had a 15 minute conversation with me about michael, i was really weirded out and kept shifting around nervously. since then, i've accepted that i'd judged him without knowing him, and he's a nice person. so he met up at our house and we all rode together. at the game, usually i sit in the other section with my dad, but he was mad at me, so my mom sat with him and i sat with michael and his trainer. he and i ended up talking the whole game. he's a serious guy, but since i know nothing about him, we had plenty to talk about. i learned he's finishing his certification as an emt and wants to become a firefighter. that he has two half-sisters and is the oldest. that his dad lives with his youngest sister in reno, and he lives with his stepfather. he spent months in ireland, finding work in a bar for cash under the table, then in belgium doing the same. he ran track in oregon, then went to northridge on an athletic scholarship. we went to the same high school and know some of the same people, the same teachers. he's a libra. and we've co-existed for a long time.
he went home after the game, and i had wanted to go to the cowboy bar with my mom and michael, but it didn't feel right so we just stayed home and watched dvd's. later, my mom asked me why i don't date someone younger than me. it made me wonder if the night had been a set-up, either on his part, her part, or neither, consciously. i can't think about things like that though. the secret is that i'm too scared to acknowledge his potential interest to take him seriously. my first contact and humiliation with a boy was with someone who wore the same uniform as him, in this city. i realized a ghost i'm being given the opportunity to put away.
so today, i went to the toy store to pick up presents for edison and jonathan (robots that require assembly, of course. they will be trained as i was trained). i was checking out with a gift certificate, but for some reason, their computer kept crashing and they couldn't process it. so i'd already been waiting for 20 minutes and was just watching the mayhem of the store against the rainstorm outside, when i saw the trainer walk by. in his uniform. i called his name and he came over. he was buying a present for his niece, a spiderman toy. he said he wants to reinforce the tomgirl in her. i laughed and said that i loved spiderman as a kid. my very first halloween costume was spiderman.
i started getting nervous and shy talking to him, but he kept the conversation going. he was asking if we'd ended up going to the cowboy bar, and about nightlife around the area. he told me that michael had told him i was still in bed when they saw each other the morning after the game, so he thought i'd stayed out. i don't really know what we were talking about. i was mostly trying to act normal and not give up that i was very uncomfortable. much of my stress also involved whether i'm expected to shake his hand, give him a gym slap, or give him a hug at the end of this conversation. we do kind of a gym slap hand shake, and his hand is hot and damp. mine is cool. most of my blood had been in my head, trying to keep myself from ejecting from the situation.
2. was going to message andrew so he was on my mind, and lo and behold, i run into him tonight. it's been half a year. he was excited to see me, and i hugged his lower back/abdomen, which is my favorite part of him to hug (his favorite to show off). you should have seen how quickly he ushered me away when his girlfriend showed up. haha! someone was feeling guilty.
last night i dreamed i was somewhere between australia and atlantis and the guide i was with wanted to see something underwater. so i went down to the sandy bottom and noticed the people with me were wearing diving gear and i was only wearing a mask. but i started breathing and it was the most natural thing in the world. i saw a world at the bottom of the ocean that looked like a child's idea of what's under the sea. yet it was very real. i was mildly afraid of the small red octopus, but i stayed out of his way and he didn't notice me. i was sitting on the sand at the bottom, understanding that this was both a dream and a training exercise, but still utterly amazed.
this just reminded me of the dream the night before, where i was at a house with a bunch of random people (both people i knew and strangers). i was inside the house with my best friend, a guy with dark hair, when someone evil set loose a killer robot alligator and a killer wolf outside. i saw him setting them loose, and they'd tried getting into the house but i'd locked all the doors in time, getting people nearby inside as well. but then i realized my dad was outside by the pond, so i ran out to save him. ended up finding all kinds of people still out there and telling them to get in the house. couldn't find my dad but ended up having to battle the alligator, which was scary, but in the back of my mind i knew it was a dream so i was able to neutralize the alligator by remembering i can do anything i want with it. so i fought it off, but didn't give it too much attention. i even managed to psychically gain the trust of the wolf and neutralize him. he became loyal to me. i woke up as i was helping people over the fence into the house.
In the year 2000, nothing happened. Just 12 days of rain amidst infinite personality-less sunshine. I came, saw what it did to people, the way it muddled the minds of everyone who couldn't lay flat in the roads and play possum, and decided the desert was no place to plan a fake suicide. Guns, mirrors and death--the hallmark of a college filmmaker. Every night, the streets slick and black, showing promise. I can't breathe here. I can't breathe when I can't see two feet in front of me. I can't breathe when I can feel you watching me and I don't know where you are, why you won't say anything. How can you be so far away, and I can't stop myself from this waiting. Like a 5-minute hallway that gets longer the darker the night gets. In heaven, he was an angel. On earth, he is something else. The lines are drawn only when you believe in lines. And then, who is there to believe in you? They can't hear you anymore when they disappear down the tunnel. Do you believe that? There never was a rabbit. They just wanted to fall in a hole, and searched until one appeared. When our paths meet again in April, will we each be the same person? Does it matter? Everyone is born of a mother and father. And yet... Yet? Yet. Some are also something else. Angels and demons. Sometimes there's very little difference. A good person is not necessarily good for you. A bad person is not necessarily bad for you. It depends on what you need, what you're looking for, whether your eyes are filled with darkness or light. My grandfather gambled away his life and his family's security. And amidst his addiction, when the sickness filled his eyes, he needed to balance it, fill the world around him with the bleeding inside him. When it had him in its grips, that sickness, he wanted to destroy anything that was good, so one night, his pockets less than empty, he took my mother's kitten, just big enough to fit in a young girl's cupped hands, and hurled it onto the ground. It lay on the floor, sputtering and broken, but the girl showed no emotion, her face a mask with burning eyes. She'll never tell you if it lived or died, only that she swore she would never again let the world touch anything inside her and make her feel this way again. She would never own pets, not even fish. She would dream for the next decades of dead kittens floating in fishbowls. She would never be able to trust that love didn't come with a serrated edge.
Dirt. Some kids eat it. They're either not very smart, or bad little fuckers trying to prove a point. If you ask them, they'll never tell you what that point is, only that when they look you in the eyes, you'd better look away. I'll never hit another woman, she said. But I have no qualms about hitting a guy. Sometimes it's in that space between, what someone is running from, where someone is running to, that you discover what is human. The color orange? Goes well with black. Sometimes. Never paint your bedroom yellow, she said. It's a hostile color. But then again, who ever listened to her? Orange is no better of an alternative. Unless you're poor and it's on sale. Then you live with it. And you deal with it. Because life is sure to give you bigger problems than an orange bedroom. Where were you when the call came in? Were you standing up? Were you fully clothed or in whatever you wore to bed the night before? Were there birds singing outside your window? Or did you, like the rest of the universe, already know that your first born was dead? It takes more than 4 minutes to save the world. Sometimes it takes 5. sometimes it takes 5 minutes just to walk to the end of a hallway when the rest of your life is an echo. Numbers tell their own stories in their own literal and sometimes not so literal way. I will ride the number 29 all the way to the moon. Questions are sometimes harder to hear than answers. Just like a father who only drinks when he's secretly thinking about killing himself. You can wish on a star, a plane or a satellite. Or you can just wait until the world gives you something worth wishing for. I am missing someone who won't talk to me, yet every night, he disrupts my dreams. I wonder if I disrupt his. Maybe everyone everywhere is visiting someone else while their bodies stay in the same place. Maybe that's the way it was meant to be. I can not keep a glass of water on my bedstand because inevitably, I will spill it. There is a place in San Diego where you can pay to throw things and break them. They'll sell you dishes, etc and you throw them at a wall and you're allowed to scream anything you want. They market to people going through a break up. You can even bring your own objects, like that porcelain pig he gave you that at first you thought was adorable, but later was a symbol of how much you secretly hated your body. Ask the Germans what they think of memory. Maybe they'll tell you the truth, maybe they'll give you a circle of rhetoric. But one thing they'll tell you...a knee or an elbow is made up of other parts that meet. But in truth, it doesn't even exist except as something that symbolizes the combination of other things that are real. So then, what is reality, but the meeting places of things that are real? In truth, it's just space...nothing you can see or touch. Just floating around us, waiting for interpretation, waiting for things to come about and give it a meaning that's real. Like neighbors. If the only thing that brings you together is geography, then really, what are you to each other? It's sure as hell not the secrets you keep.
there are some nights the missing and the silence hurt so much it brings my insides to its knees, and it doesn't make any sense to me. and i can't tell anyone about it because i know it won't make sense to them either.
tonight is one of those nights. all i have is music to ease the ache, get me through, hope tomorrow features more forgetting than today.
and then somewhere between the two, a new well of strength emerges out of the crevice.
Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach
-guster
Who's Playing With Wigs?
Here's a translation.
I walk into the room with an afro wig on.
Mom: Hey. What are you doing? We're all supposed to be busy packing and you're playing with wigs.
Me: I'm playing with wigs? Please turn the camera around...who's playing with wigs?
My mom then goes into a Debbie Harry from Blondie impression.
My mom, brother and I have a great time together.
went and played basketball at the open gym reserved through my dad and the company. i was already irritated because he wouldn't tell me when and where it was, so i had to find out from bohr.
his team was off when my team came on so he was watching from the sidelines. he was silent for most of the game, not a peep if i scored or did anything good, but lord, you should have heard him cheering for the other team when they scored like he'd put money on the game. it's bad enough he can't be supportive of me, but tonight he blatantly rooted against me.
no wonder my idea of love is so complicated. this shouldn't be how someone who loves you acts, but yet...it is.
maybe that's what people find interesting. how i can live in a fantasy world and still function so well in real life. but i'm also a highly analytical and logical person. so for me to be willing to believe in what others may perceive as fantasy, i've clearly found some kind of logic to it that allows me to accept it as real life.
my mom always said, "if you win all the time, people won't want to play with you and you won't have any friends."
yet white moms were telling their kids to go for the win no matter what it took.
it's always been hard for me to decide whether something my mom is doing or saying is motivated by wanting to protect me, and when it's out of making sure she can control me, because her default setting is to see me as an extension of herself. like consciously, her intentions are completely pure and she loves me dearly, but she's got that tricky unconscious side that can't be trusted. i think that's why i get so mad sometimes when she gives me advice, even though i always go to her for it. i know she loves me deeply, but sometimes, i think she can be unaware of her own motives. i hate having to triangulate her intentions to decide if advice is for me or for her, and i hate having to do it. i wish i could just trust it.
and that's the thing. i know i'm writing out a lot of the old family skeletons, but i need to see them and decide how to use them to build a better understanding for future me, how to let go of things i don't need anymore. i'm not wallowing in bitterness or the past. i'm letting consciousness flow into these places of stagnancy to flush out things that may be blocking me.
my parents have been wonderful parents who, despite their issues and their own childhood experiences of dysfunction, tried their best to make things work and take care of children in a difficult and complex situation (a child with a disability). there's a lot of love in our family, and a lot of trust when it comes to standing together to face the world outside. but the bone i have to pick is with the unconscious part of them that plays out like a haunting, possessing good, intelligent people. i don't want to play with that part anymore. i lived with it, i dealt with it, i've grown beyond it with an ability to look at it all from a bigger perspective, but now i get to throw it out of my closets so i have room for my own things, things that i like.
can't remember if i wrote this story.
i was at a warriors game last month, and end of the game, i was walking towards the exits. this guy was standing by the stairs, definitely drunk and kind of swaying. as i walk by, his eyes follow my breasts and then he slurs to them, "all night long i've been lookin' at...titties."
he was compelled to give my titties his report of time expenditure.
you can never say men aren't classy.
being in fremont.
is like, being reminded how much it hurts to be close to people who are in some areas, ruled by bad ghosts and determined to defend them to the end. because on one hand, you accept people as they are--for their good qualities, for their limitations. for their immense love and loyalty to you. you accept and you understand. you can't demand a goat to turn into an elephant. it's just not possible. you have to love the goat for its goatness, and find an elephant to be your elephant. so the compromise--addition by subtraction--is you accept them as they are, and because of that, you gain more appreciation of the positives.
but if the goat is eating up your garden, you can appreciate its goatness but still really want it to stop eating up your garden.
it's unfair for the goat to turn around and say, i'm a goat! i can't help it! this is just what i do, so be a better person and just accept it. you're taking advantage of my acceptance to excuse bad behavior.
there's a big difference between accepting people for who they are holistically, and wanting a certain behavior that is detrimentally affecting the relationship to be discussed in a calm and rational manner.
my mom picked me up from the airport but mentioned she hadn't eaten all day, so she stopped at a restaurant to grab something to go. in the parking lot was a homeless woman. at first, i thought she was cradling a baby, but it turned out to be a small puppy. she had 3 puppies and one kitten surrounding her.
my mom is very compassionate towards homeless people, always wanting to stop and give something. i am more discerning as i like to go get them food rather than money, but when i worked with that advocacy group for battered women, i learned that over 50% of women and children on the street are escaping abusive situations, so i usually try to give to women.
we went up to her and i asked her if we could get her some food. she said thank you, but she already had a salad. i asked her if she wanted anything else to eat. she said she can always use more.
i asked her what she would like, and she asked for fresh fruit. the store was across the street and my mom needed to get back to work, so i told her i would come back with it in a bit. my mom gave her a 20. she asked us to wait, then went back to her shopping cart, digging for something. she came back with a pristine gucci box. compared to everything about her that showed so much wear from the streets, this box was in such good condition, she could have very well been a gucci saleswoman bringing us an item to inspect. she opened it up and there were a handful of bracelets inside, set with small stones.
i wasn't sure if she was trying to sell me one, so i told her, no thank you.
but she insisted, and i realized, it was her way of saying thank you. this woman had so much dignity and pride. so i took a purple one, and it's actually quite pretty. i asked her if she had made these herself and she said she had. i thanked her. i know i'll wear it, because it represents good will. i was actually amazed at this gift.
i got home, then went to the gym to pick up michael. we went to the store and since i didn't know what kind of fruit she liked, i got her a fresh fruit salad, 2 containers of peaches, 2 apples and 2 oranges.
while in line, this asian woman behind us asked us why we had so much fruit (which is strange because i didn't think it was unusual to buy just fruit). but i said it was for the homeless woman in the parking lot across the street. i could tell she got offended that fremont had a homeless person (asians are scared of any kind of "sketchy" characters. like when i told my mom about the weird asian robot guy, trying to tell her a funny story, but i didn't even get to it because she freaked out thinking that he might have been a deranged rapist or killer). the woman in line said that she gives money to an organization that gives to the homeless, but she doesn't give to them directly. she said it kind of disdainfully.
i told her i understood, because you can't give to everyone. like, it's hard in a big city like san francisco, because you get hit by panhandlers every 50 yards, so you can't possibly give to all of them, especially when you know a lot of them are buying booze or drugs rather than food. and if you can't, it's hard to decide who you do select to give to. but that i like to give food, because you know it's something they need to survive. then i told her about the abuse statistic, and the woman not wanting to just take charity, so she insisted on giving me a bracelet in gratitude. this made this woman backpeddle. she'd started the conversation kind of hardlined, more upset about there being a homeless person openly camping out in fremont, but then because she didn't want to come off like a bad person, she was agreeing with everything i was saying even before i'd finished saying anything.
so we went back to the woman to give her the fruit and she was really happy. i thanked her again for the bracelet and told her it's very beautiful. i asked her to please make sure to stay warm. i'm always compelled to say this to homeless people. like by saying it, it's going to give them extra energy towards ensuring they will be warm in the near future. just like i always tell friends to drive safely when they leave. these things are really important to me. as i was walking away, the animals came out of their hiding places around the cart and approached the bags like children inspecting loot. i heard her say to her animals, oh look at all we've been given! it was really sweet, and really sad. she's either schizophrenic or ptsd. and again, the determination to be dignified despite abject circumstances.
all night, i've been thinking about her and her animals. even from the first time i saw her, holding that puppy like it was a newborn baby. and then the way she talked to them inclusively, clearly seeing them as equals. i've been thinking about how a logical, rational person would look at her situation and say, if she's working hard enough just to keep herself safe and alive, why does she have animals when they would just take away from the resources she needs to survive. but then i thought of it another way, about where it is she may have come from, perhaps a lonely world of terror and voicelessness. perhaps the hell she is coming from is no better if not much worse than her current circumstances. these animals provide her that connection that previous human connections could not. she takes care of these animals lovingly, validating her nurturing power inside, her aliveness, her relevancy. it creates an outlet for love to come out of her and nurture living creatures, thus empowering her with the knowledge that she is not completely worthless--she is giving something of value to those who depend on it. and they in turn, reward her with unconditional love and trust, something she's probably had withheld from her.
i would bet everything i have that she comes from a place where love was conditional if not cruel, and here now we have a woman who is still alive inside, a survivor, trying to find her place in this world.
this woman taught me something today, but i'm still grasping what. just like that sobbing little girl whose memory made me so sad last night, it feels like meeting them and connecting...while i wasn't able to directly help them within their personal life journeys, by seeing and hearing them, they left me with something. it's like a haunting, a seed of truth now unveiled and planted inside you, from which a profound understanding will slowly unravel with time.
one day when you have kids, no matter how rough things get with your spouse or how unhappy you are with your life, please never go weeks refusing to talk to your child and letting them think it's because of something they did. this is something that can live inside them for a very long time, eating at their sense of self worth.
what if we were all more conscious and kinder, and all the autistic people of the world bloomed like flowers. and it turns out, they're like the children of atlantis. we'd just polluted this reality too much with pain that they couldn't function because negative frequencies short-circuited their wiring. and when we clean it up, suddenly, there are these ridiculously unique people living amongst us, who are very likely more intelligent than us.
ohhhh. you know what just made me so sad? when i thought about that little girl whose mother won't let her talk to her father.
then i thought about how sometimes, you realize the best you have to give someone is a really, really good hug because they need it, but you know that will never save them from drowning. but you pretend you don't know that, because in a life where miracles are possible, maybe they can turn their lives around. it's worth believing it in the off-chance it could happen.
so i walk around hoping and believing that the most basic, sincere form of love might just make a difference. that kindness is profound, particularly between strangers. i don't like to see pain. i don't like to see the way people hurt each other. there's no reason why they should be mean but they do it anyway, to people they're supposed to love, to strangers, even though they know it's contagious. and yet, so is joy. so maybe it does make a difference. maybe people can evolve. but even if they don't, even if things are exactly the way they are, that we're just one giant cycle of pain, then at least it was worth the chance. at least maybe some people will have pleasant memories to hold on to when things go dark. (but to be honest, it's not. even if one day something happens to me and my mind goes blind and bitter, listen to me now...i've seen it. it's not)
i'm really a simple being in a very complex manifestation, because the world i've come into is very complex compared to my basic perceptions. but this whole idea of the real world...the mundane is abstract and non-tangible. money is just symbols. we've just all agreed to attach the same value to it. but it's not even real.yet we've agreed that it's real. so a kinder, gentler, more conscious human being can also someday become the mundane.
we all live somewhere. in our heads, in space, rooted in gravity, we're somewhere. yet it really doesn't matter where we each live, or where we each come from. what matters is where we meet.
where we meet should be a mutual decision and be consistent. that's how realities are created.
so let's all meet somewhere where we're not playing out the world's, our family's, our childhood pain cycles, and try to be more positive and kinder.
i admit it.
i wanted to love him but didn't want to be with him because i couldn't see a future.
but i wanted to love him because his eyes were entire universes of emotion just under the surface, but behind them, all i could feel was an echo.
sometimes i wonder if i'm a human manifestation of the patron saint of young boys lost in the woods.
it's like a role i have to get away from.
i was rereading the report, the section about my relationship with my father and his rejection of emotional or instinctual needs. i think my mom was more in charge of the rejection of emotional needs. she was always telling me i'm too sensitive and would be disgusted with me when i would cry. she called me weak. i think deep down she both resents and feels responsibility for my brother's disability as a weakness, though she may not have been conscious of it. but my dad used to make us feel bad when we were hungry. he would kind of taunt us, or eat in front of us but not offer us anything. you would either have to ask for food and risk getting a comment that would hurt, or just suck it up in pride and pretend you're not hungry. i know it's because he went hungry a lot as a kid, and a lot of times, people withheld food and he couldn't say anything.
and he always had to scare us, jumping out of corners, thrusting spiders he'd just squashed with a tissue at us before disposing them. in a way, that's why i envy 5 year-old edison's confidence--when my dad tries to scare him, he just firmly says, "i don't want to play like that."
i look at it now as kind of a cry for help. like giant indicators of where he was hurt as a kid. he probably went scared and hungry a lot. his parents had abandoned him and his siblings. my mom had to be strong to survive a community turned against the family because of my grandfather, so the only way to survive was to never show weakness. by giving us those experiences, i can understand how they felt, because i've tasted the ghosts--i've lived with them. but it doesn't mean they have to keep perpetuating.
my parents are terrified of me blaming them for the past. they're well aware mistakes were made, so anytime i bring stuff up, they get really defensive. but i think if you got a really close, loving supportive family, you kind of won the lottery. maybe it's cynical, but i think of it as being realistic. most families have issues because people have issues. i think most families, there are certain things passed down generations, and each generation tries to break the cycle so they don't pass it down to their kids. it's not personal to the parent, it's just this darkness, this perpetuating pain, that gets passed through unconsciousness. it's part of our humanness.
i've always recognized that to break our family's particular cycle would require conquering this rejection and embarrassment of normal needs. i won't be able to get close to people until i can feel comfortable with the fact that i have needs and to need is human. right now, it's still nearly impossible for me to verbalize what i need. if you put me in a position where i need to state what i need, watch me freeze like a deer in headlights. it's a paralysis. in the last few years, i've learned to feel more comfortable with verbalizing what i want without fear that people will know exactly what to withhold from me, or that they will ridicule me. it took a while for me to believe that the majority of people aren't that cruel for the sake of cruelty. but need is such a different level. want is something you can take or leave. need is something you, well, need. like food, shelter, understanding, compassion, kindness, love. but the code written into my psyche, is rich with experiences where i was rejected or taunted for having needs. i really want to conquer this. i don't want to feel so terrified anymore about the prospect of admitting something i need. otherwise, i'm going to keep denying bridges that would bring me closer to other people in a way that is mutual and normal.
i signed up for an online short story writing class to motivate me to write short stories. my mom is demanding a collection of short stories, fictional or non-fictional, she doesn't care. i also see myself being most ready to put together a collection of short stories. so the first thing we had to do today was submit bios. here's mine:
Born in Texas, raised in California, my greatest trauma was the mom-subjected perm I had for 6 years (junior high through high school--the cruelest years). Majored in English and Film at University of Michigan and lived in LA for 10 years, before moving to Amsterdam last year, winning a Cannabis Cup as a brand-consultant bringing a smoking product to market (surprisingly, my Chinese parents brag about it, showing you that Chinese parents will brag about anything their children do). Now living in Seattle on a one year living/writing sabbatical. This is code for moving to a place where I don't know anyone so I can force myself to talk to lots of strangers and write. I find that writing is 80% paying attention while you're living and 20% writing. 80% banging your head on your desk screaming obscenities at the heavens (or strangers on the sidewalk below), sometimes curled up in the corner wallowing in self-pity, 20% typing like the wind thinking you're some kind of chosen one. When I don't know what to write, I will check the fridge continuously like I'm gonna find some kind of answer there. I hope this writing class will give me more answers than I've found in my fridge.
the first assignment? don't laugh... a 10 minute stream-of-consciousness free-write. little do they know, i've got a massive blog and cabinets full of notebooks containing free-writes. i think i can do this assignment with my brain closed.
the worst thing after a hard run or workout--the recovery protein shake after.
the best thing--not being sore the next day.
ran 4 miles, played basketball, 30 minutes on the elliptical to read, then boxing with 5 lb weights last night to strengthen shoulders and core. played all 50 minutes of the game today.
hit our team's first 3 pointer! 5-9 shooting for 11 points, 5 assists, 3 rebounds, 2 blocks. and again, great leadership, but my lack of focus (was giggling and running around chatting with the female referee) was very detrimental the first half. because of it, we were down 9 to 27, but came back in the 2nd half and took the lead in the final 6 minutes with my 3-pointer. we lost by 4 in the final minute. i think it was 55 to 59.
the irritating girl, she shows up and doesn't talk to anyone, and after the game, just leaves. she's a good player but not really a team player. i think that's why we had the conflicts. when people show up, they're always happy to see me--their faces light up and we're joking around, bonding before the games. ethan said that she was going to like me or hate me for her own reasons, so i may as well be me, and i think how chatty and well-liked i am rubs her the wrong way. but i'm really glad ethan gave me that pep talk. i have to have the confidence not to shrink into myself just because one person doesn't like me. if they're going to not like me no matter how i am, i may as well go all out being myself. and it's made a huge difference.
after the game, the girls were talking and saying how bummed they are about me missing the next session because of surgery, but that i should come out anyway and hang out. and that they'd like to get drunk with me (we'd been trying to plan a team outing after a game, but we got really late night games the last few weeks). it was a good feeling. younger people have always looked up to me. i think it's because i'm both a big sister type and a big kid inside.
i guess you should know i'm somewhere between the dumbest smart person you've ever met
and the smartest dumb person you've ever met.
but then again, you probably already know that. it's not like people can't see me.
i think i'm so good at rhetorical gymnastics that i do myself a disservice sometimes because i lose out on people willing to give me good advice or insight. or i miss opportunities or other people's good intentions completely because there are certain areas in my life where i don't expect help or good intentions.
i have to get better at that. letting people help me. not assume i have to go at everything alone and then resent having to go at things alone.
you can tell alcoholics--they have a "soggy" look to them.
gamblers--their eyes
i've got a basketball game in 2 hours. today or tomorrow, i'll write about my grandfather and how his gambling addiction shaped my mother's life.
i told my mom about how i was meeting a guy for coffee but he didn't show up. as soon as i mentioned that he's a bartender, she flipped out so quickly i had to tell her to shut up and chill out. you can almost hear the sirens in her head, so loud it blocks her ability to listen. it wasn't personal. i knew it was the old terror of watching my grandfather destroy his own life and everyone's around him that had risen up and was clutching her. i don't blame her.
don't worry, i told her. i never took it that seriously as a romantic thing. more so a wanting to know about someone, doing something good. but this is what i meant when i wrote about having to be careful and tread lightly. it's often easy for me to see people's problems--where they come from, what hurts, how they can work with them and get closer to their personal potential. it's very important to me to use my abilities to be helpful to people. but over the years, i've been careful about crossing that personal line. you can be there for someone and listen and try to be helpful. but never, ever reach out a hand to a drowning man and make it your own personal problem. it doesn't help them, and it will drown you.
that's why i wanted to tread carefully. i have a lot of power inside me now, people are sensing it. it can be used for great good, great compassion, great healing. but if i get a drowning man latched onto me, i can be drained, like what happened last year.
yes, i have a feeling he went on a bender last night after he went home. i spent last night getting to know him, and i saw a lot of his insides and issues. but i also saw a really kind heart and a good person. but it's not about one side or the other. it's about the big picture. it's about what's good for me, and what's good for me puts me in the best situation to be the best possible for other people. i wanted a chance to talk to this guy, give him a compassionate ear, let him feel heard. under whatever pretense, he wanted a chance to be close to me as well. but end of the day, each person is an engineer of their own life experience, so you have to respect that while also respecting yourself.
yes, it's probably very true. i go through long periods of celibacy and not dating because i'm frightened of being controlled and manipulated through my sexual and emotional needs.
am i capable of trusting? deeply.
is it easy for me? no.
do i want to find people i can trust? yes.
i'm willing to admit i don't know how to solve this issue yet, and need a little help.
merry christmas, dear readers. here's my cheat sheet, the good, the bad and everything in between. just bought the full report so i'm reading it for the first time as well. it's all there, exposing me. i get called out like a ma'fucker, but it's good. it gives me insight to work on. i'm working on it all, believe me. i want nothing more than to be a better person and lead a more content and balanced life. i can see areas that i've worked on a great deal already (particularly integrating my shadow side and bringing consciousness to my childhood and past), and areas where i will continually need to balance and be conscious of.
if you use this to understand me and improve our relationship, thank you. if you use it to try to take advantage of me...i'll know.
if you are intrigued, you can also get your own psychological-astrological report at http://www.astro.com/. Just remember you'll have to know your exact time of birth for it to be accurate. i've used this site for years to help me understand my strengths and weaknesses as well as my path...the insight has greatly attributed to my being a more self-actualized person, though it will always be a work in progress.
I. INTRODUCTION
Once upon a time, in a less scientific age than ours, astrology was a respected study, based on ancient and empirically compiled principles and used by the learned for greater insight not only into the future, but into the soul. With the coming of the Age of Enlightenment, and the increase in man's knowledge of the material universe, it seemed for a time that studies such as astrology, in company with other symbolic maps of the cosmos, had become anachronisms - pieces of superstitious nonsense which reflected a more ignorant and gullible era. But surprisingly, astrology, despite its detractors, has refused to go the way of the flat earth, the conjuring of demons, and the turning of lead into gold. It is alive and well, growing in popularity, and once again meriting the respect of intelligent minds - for it has been brought into the modern era through our increasing knowledge of psychology and of the inner nature of man. Subjected to many centuries of suppression and ridicule, astrology has outproven and outlasted its opponents, and eloquently demonstrates that it has something of great value to offer the modern individual seeking self-understanding.
In this horoscope analysis we have endeavoured, using the insights of astrology and psychology combined with the tools of advanced computer technology, to offer you an astrological portrait which is uniquely and individually focussed and which aims at providing greater self-knowledge. This is not fortune-telling astrology, but rather, psychological astrology, developed to as deep and sophisticated a level as is possible within the perimeters of computer interpretation. No computer can perform the task of an experienced human astrologer. But we think you will find this analysis a surprisingly profound and subtle interpretation of the complex dynamics at work within you.
Shakespeare once wrote that all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. In a sense, your birth horoscope is a metaphor for the individual play, complete with stage set, cast of characters, and story, which lies at the core of your life journey. It might be useful for you to remember the metaphor of the theatre as you read through the various sections of your astrological portrait, because it can help you to understand the real meaning of fate as it is reflected by astrology. Fate does not lie in your being subjected to random preordained events. It lies in the cast of characters which represent the deepest needs, conflicts and aspirations which lie within you. No person can be other than himself or herself; and every life experience, whether tiny and transient or major and transformative, reflects in some way the character of the individual.
II. YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL TYPE
The rich array of individual attributes portrayed in your birth horoscope is set, as it is with everyone, against the backdrop of a certain temperament bias. We might call this bias your psychological "type", for it is a typical or characteristic way of responding to the situations life brings you. No one begins life whole or perfect, and all people have certain areas of strength - sophisticated and well-adapted inner characters - to help them deal with challenges, conflicts and problems. Likewise, all people have certain areas of weakness -inner characters who are underdeveloped, neglected and troublesome.
Your psychological type does not remain static and unchanging through the whole of your life. There is something within all of us - whether we call it the unconscious, the Self, or the soul -which strives toward balance and completeness, and which tries to integrate into our lives all those qualities or inner characters which have been neglected or undervalued. At certain important junctures in life, it is as though some central core, deeper and wiser than the conscious "I", draws us into conflicts which enable us to develop our weaker areas, so that we can become more complete as human beings. Thus you will find that, incorporated in the following paragraphs about your psychological type, are some suggestions about how you might facilitate this inner movement toward a more balanced perspective on life. Life does this for us, sooner or later. But sometimes it is more rewarding and less problematic if we cooperate with the process.
Romantic vision and a rich imagination
You are one of life's true romantics, because your reality is the inner world of fantasy and imagination. The limitations of daily life can bore you, and you try at every available opportunity to inject into mundane situations a note of the mythic and the meaningful. However, your romanticism is constantly being challenged by another side of your personality: your fear of disruption to your material security. Although you dislike being tied to routines which seem inconsequential and stifling, life perpetually intrudes upon your dreams, forcing you into conflict between your vision and your practical limitations and needs. The great strength of your nature lies in your relationship to the creative power of the imagination, which enables you to peer into the future and envisage new possibilities which are not immediately apparent in the present. Because of this, you tend to see opportunities which others miss. You live in a world of potential, always looking toward the next project and the next enthusiasm. But there is a strong cynicism and worldliness beneath your romanticism which perpetually questions these hunches and dreams, making you feel restless and discontented whichever side of yourself you try to live.
Another strength in your character is your ability to discern subtle connections between apparently disparate facts and circumstances, and to see a story or a broader pattern which others might ignore. Thus you often grasp the essence of a situation or a person instantaneously, through a kind of "sixth sense" which is usually extremely accurate yet which you cannot logically explain. But here too you are often at war with yourself, for that small cynical voice in you begins to denigrate your intuitive perceptions and can cause you to become indecisive. You often find yourself in a typical dilemma: whether to invest your energies in a creative project which requires trust and courage because it involves untried new ideas, or whether to stay in a safe job which guarantees material stability yet which bores and frustrates you. Although you are not usually foolish with money, it is not the sole object of your efforts, and you need challenges and inspiration in your work. Yet you cannot wholly forget about your material security either, and are faced with the challenge of finding a vocation which is both creatively rewarding and materially productive. And this may take you a long time and encompass many mistakes and false starts.
The struggle against banality and mundane limits
If you attempt to live entirely in your imagination, you may run the risk of losing your connection with ordinary life - and with it, the capacity for contentment. Because of your resentment of boredom and routine, you may secretly yearn for an alternative life which is more glamourous, exciting or meaningful - without actually doing anything concrete about your craving for wider horizons. You also dislike having to select one thing to which you must apply yourself, preferring to live in a kind of provisional world - the "one day when I grow up..." syndrome, where all possibilities remain open to you. Yet if you pursue this approach to life exclusively, you will, with the passing of the years, feel increasingly unreal, as though you have somehow wasted your potentials and accomplished nothing solid in the end. Another manifestation of your conflict between the romantic, mystic realm and the hard world of facts and objects is your complex relationship with your own body, which often seems mysterious and frightening and which you may periodically neglect. You may resent having to fill your time with tasks like servicing the car and doing the monthly accounts, not to mention the dentist and the doctor; but your lack of attention to worldly and instinctual matters can result in constant irritations with mechanical objects breaking down, and also in problems with your health - not because you are intrinsically unhealthy, but because you tend to be sporadic in your care of your own body. You tend to swing between excessive and punishing diets and exercise routines to "master" the body, and times when you are not even aware that it exists.
You possess a unique and complicated nature, and you need to stand in the middle between your two extremes so that you can become a better friend to your body and your material environment while still validating and giving expression to your powerful creative imagination. This effort at better balance can be rewarding and exciting. You possess a capacity to respond to nature and to the beauty of the physical world - if you will only stop running away from it. In very personal matters such as sexual expression, your shyness about your body can also have repercussions, and here too there might be a promise of greater fulfilment if you can face more honestly the alien realm of the instincts which you sometimes fear. Your perception of physical reality may be overtly negative, and it is possible that family attitudes in your early life have contributed to your undervaluing of it. Yet you possess the potential to have the best of both worlds, and can aim very high indeed if you can learn the art of being an ordinary mortal.
The power of reason combines with the gift of fantasy
You possess unusual intellectual gifts to support and enhance your rich imagination. You may be a profound thinker, with a grasp of higher and broader concepts and an intuitive feeling for symbols and connections between systems of thought; and you could excel in spheres such as psychology, anthropology, history and artistic fields, where good powers of articulation and organization must be combined with imagination and vision. You may also be adept at business activities where speculative abilities and planning for future trends are required, and you are often a very successful gambler with untried new ideas and untested resources. Your imagination, although powerful and constantly active, never runs wild into chaos, but is always supported by clear rational thought. Therefore, you are one of those rare people who are not only able to leap to conclusions through the uncanny irrational power of the intuition, but can also explain yourself if necessary with a logical and coherent structure of thought.
However, your greatest challenge in life remains the problem of relating to the mundane world, and your capacity for systematising your intuitions into a coherent plan or structure may further divorce you from the "banal" world of the body and of material objects and responsibilities. Because you place considerable value on your reasoning capacities, you may try to analyse your way out of your essential fear of ordinary life through generalised systems of ideas - preferring to believe that you are preoccupied with higher and more important things. You may also use your mental and imaginative abilities to defend yourself against the threatening world of intimate relationships, where you often find commitment to be a problem and where you can only deal with unpleasant or demanding emotional encounters through a species of mental gymnastics where you reduce your own and the other person's feelings to an intellectualised debate about abstract principles. You need to learn to form a better relationship to your feelings, so that you respond more sensitively not only to the needs of others, but also to your own. This can help you to learn which of your many potentials might really make you happy and which you need to select to give you some stability and sense of accomplishment in your ordinary life. Then you can begin to earth your marvellous imagination and vision in concrete terms without so much resentment of the time and effort required, and without so much fear of being trapped by relationships and by daily routines. Thus you can make choices with a better appreciation of what might personally fulfill you at different stages of your life.
III. CHARACTER AND SHADOW
One of the most important insights gained by depth psychology has been the revelation that people are dual in nature, and contain a basic polarity of a conscious and an unconscious self. There is the individual you are familiar with -the "I" that thinks, feels and acts in accustomed ways which you identify as yourself. And there is another, hidden individual -the shadow-side - which contains the less acceptable and less developed aspects of your personality, and which fights for a valued place in your life at the same time that it disrupts the complacency of your self-image. The interplay between the conscious and unconscious sides of you is a constantly shifting dance, changing at different stages of your life and altering according to the pressures and challenges which you encounter. The tension between the primary characters in your inner drama, described in the following paragraphs, is the source of energy which provides your life with movement, purpose, conflict and growth. There are other characters inside you too - supporting players who blend and conflict with the main ones to make you the unique individual you are. Where these are strongly marked in your horoscope, we have included a description of them as well. The story thus portrayed, with its complicated interaction of light and shadow, represents what is really meant by individual destiny.
A romantic vision of life colours all your experiences
"...And they lived happily ever after" is the way you would end all the chapters of your life, given the chance. Your romantic spirit believes in true love, goodness rewarded, evil punished, the essential fairness of life, and the ultimate achievement of all your rosy and glorious dreams. You tend to dwell up in the air a lot, but that is not because you are naive or stupid. It is just that what other people call real life does not agree with your picture of things. In a crisis or emergency you can be practical enough, and somehow your survival instincts inevitably attract to you precisely the right people and situations to help you cope - although you would disclaim any responsibility for this, preferring to believe that it is just another example of the benign workings of the cosmos. You determinedly turn your back on anything ugly, sordid, brutal or unfair as though by ignoring it, it will cease to exist; and often, if you wait long enough, that is exactly what happens, because somebody else deals with the problem. You exude a quality of childlike brightness and charm which disarms even the most manipulative of souls, and without having to say much, you tend to restore even a more disillusioned person's belief in the Never-never-land.
A firm belief in the good, the true and the beautiful
Beauty and harmony are essential to you, and you are capable of working very hard and devoting most of your energies to the task of acquiring them. You not only believe that life ought to be fair, pleasant, luxurious and peaceful; you have a firm conviction that you are entitled to happiness, and that if you do not possess it as a permanent fixture then something has gone seriously wrong. It might surprise you to discover how many people do not automatically assume, as you do, that such happiness is their right; but although you might feel sorry for such people because of their negative attitudes and low aims, you are not deterred from your determination to manifest your radiant inner picture of the world in your actual concrete life. Physical beauty also means a great deal to you, and you are neither the world's best budgeter of finances nor are you temperamentally equipped to live for very long around cheap, ugly surroundings. It is not money in itself that matters to you - very likely it has a way of sliding through your fingers as soon as you get it - but style, pleasure, luxury and that indefinable something which is called "good taste". You are also convinced on some profound unconscious level that the universe is fair, and if something unpleasant happens in the world then somebody must have at some time done something to deserve it, or the cosmos has some ulterior motive in mind; and at the end of it all, the good will triumph.
You have a highly idealised picture of what you call love, and the romantic trappings of courtship are a necessary part of relationship to you - flowers, music, candlelight and romantic words and gestures. Without constant demonstrations of affection, you shrivel like a plant without water. Never mind if you are sometimes a little mannered, stylised and not always true to your real and immediate feelings in how you express love; it matters to you that courtesy, charm and kindness are always present. If they are not, you are quite capable of moving elsewhere, not because you are disloyal -at least, you are loyal to your ideal if not in actual practise -but because you cannot bear your romantic dream of love being tarnished by boorish behaviour, cruelty or neglect, no matter how much someone professes to care for you.
The dilemma of feeling like an eternal child on christmas eve
Some part of you has refused to "grow up" and "face reality", and nothing in the world can convince you that this is a bad thing. As far as you are concerned, growing up means becoming dead inside, and facing reality means selling it out; and you value your innate capacity for joy, spontaneity and childlike wonder too much to sacrifice it for the emptiness, boredom and defeat which others label maturity. You believe in your own unique destiny and in your right to people the world with handsome princes, beautiful princesses, dragons to be fought and treasures to be won; and if the actual people in your life fail to live up to your mythologised image of them, then it is the people who have failed, not your vision. You have certain innate assumptions about your own specialness and your god-given right to love, happiness and the freedom to pursue your pleasures, and although this can sometimes cross over the border from childlike spontaneity to outright narcissism and egocentricity, you offer your romantic vision of life with such charm and wholehearted conviction that others forgive you anyway, even if you have inadvertently been grossly insensitive to their feelings and their own individual natures.
You are truly a child at heart, and probably relate well to actual children because of your delightful capacity to inhabit their fantasy-world with them. Birthdays should have big parties with beautiful cakes, and Christmas should have a marvellously decorated tree and delicious surprises in the morning; and woe to anyone who tries to force a utilitarian and dreary approach to life on you. You would be happiest working in a creative field where your love of colour, drama and excessive emotion can be expressed without constriction - particularly the world of the theatre, of fiction or of poetry. Never mind that half the world has unfinished novels in their desk drawers; you possess enough imagination and believe enough in your own unique destiny to complete one.
Excessive idealism in love can lead to disappointment
You do not believe in loneliness, separateness or conflict. That may sound absurd, for these things are part of life; but nevertheless, you do not believe in them, and when you are confronted with them you generally react by first becoming disillusioned with the person or situation who has made you feel bad, and then looking elsewhere for that perfect ideal which continues unstained in your fantasies. You long for a state of oneness - a kind of mystical soul-union with another person, or a spiritual revelation - which will end, once and for all and forever, the awful experience of being lonely and separate, which you are determined to transcend. Plato's fable about the original unity of the sexes which was sundered somewhere in the distant past and which has resulted in all men and women seeking their true other half, is very real to you, for this is your view of love and also your view of life; and life is not worth living without such a love. You are more prone than most people to being disappointed, because your expectations are so high. You have a quality of poignant melancholy which responds readily to certain kinds of music as well as to alcohol, and which makes you seem a little too precious and fragile at times.
Although in reality you are stronger than you seem, for your determination to avoid the bleak, cold world that others call reality is immovable, and nothing can quench your dreams. If they are irrevocably thwarted in the outer world, then you retreat into the inner, and can sometimes seem to be abstracted, aloof and inaccessible. What you sometimes inject into your personal relationships is really a kind of mystical longing - a desire to give up control and responsibility, and merge with a greater, more transcendent whole. If you can pursue this longing through a spiritual or creative rather than a human channel, you may find that people disappoint you less; for they can never provide you with the sense of all- embracing unconditional love that you seek - and believe you are prepared to give, if only you could find a suitable object. Very likely the only really suitable object is God, for if you offer so much of your own self to another person it can become a burden rather than a gift. Your compassion for others is very strong, particularly for the sad, lost part of people which seeks its redemption above and beyond worldly confines; for your perception of a higher and more loving dimension of life is not a false one. But perhaps you need to refrain from expecting it all the time, or demanding it from others quite so often.
The power of magic to enhance life
Thus your personality combines the qualities of hopefulness, faith and idealism and you strive to inject the beauty of your inner world into every thing and person you meet in life. Because of your natural charm and optimism, people are likely to value your company, for you bring with you the intimations of a higher, better and lovelier world, full of harmony and meaning, even when dealing with very mundane affairs. Yet you are not as fragile as you seem, for there is a toughness in you which springs from your absolute loyalty to your ideal vision of life. You are certainly prone to being hurt, disillusioned and disappointed very frequently, for you expect too much from people and from life, and would find it hard to be chained to work or relationships which offer no future potentials to explore. Yet such disappointments do not destroy your romantic spirit. They only make you even more determined to find what you are seeking. Thus you are surprisingly strong, for you bounce back from vicissitudes through your faith in the future; and although life will no doubt confront you constantly with the problem of human limitations and the ambivalent nature of fate, you will always remain inwardly a kind of child of the gods, hopefully pursuing the next adventure on the journey, the next creative opportunity, and the next romantic episode which will bring you closer to that perfect love you seek.
Hidden cynicism lies in the shadow
In contrast to your faith in life's goodness and your dream of perfect unconditional love, there is another protagonist in your inner psychic drama. This hidden shadow-side of you comprises all those qualities which belong to you but which you have excluded from your conscious values and behaviour in order to retain your romantic vision of life. Despite your capacity to bounce back from hurts and disappointments with a positive philosophy and an undiminished faith in the ultimate higher purpose of all experiences, something in you does not recover so easily, and has perhaps never quite believed in all the fairness, truth, beauty and happiness - even in childhood. This secret side of your personality cannot accommodate the gap between your ideals and the complex problems, pain and limitations inherent in human experience; and there is thus a tension in you, a split between your optimistic philosophy and your deeper and darker perceptions. The more you repress this cynical and rather hard shadow-side, the more likely you are to fall prone to sudden depressions and black moods where everything seems purposeless; and also, the more likely you are to unconsciously express your cynicism as cold manipulation of others and a self-seeking, grasping determination to get as much as you can while the good times lasts.
A secret fear of darker dimensions of human nature
Sometimes your romanticism is a genuine reflection of the visionary and creative dimension of your personality; and sometimes it is a determined escape from a side of life which you know to be dark, harsh and frightening. However much you believe in true love and the redemptive potential of your faith, you have been exposed in childhood to a less attractive side of human relationship: those power-battles, destructive resentments, manipulative ploys and petty vendettas which so often lie beneath the surface of apparent good behaviour, and which have left you with a deep unconscious pocket of mistrust and bitterness about life. One of your parents - most probably your mother - was caught in a morass of despair and frustrated needs, although very likely she did not express this unhappiness overtly; and your secret shadow-side has learned well the hard lesson of being too dependent on another person and thus being subjected to hurt, humiliation and the breaking of pride. Sexual conflicts were probably also part of the unspoken problems embedded in your parental background, and the entire realm of your instinctual needs is a threatening issue for you. You tend to idealise love and virtually disembody it partly for this reason, because you are frightened of being controlled through your sexual and emotional needs and then rejected, humiliated or betrayed. Anger, hatred, desire for vengeance, hunger and outrage all bubble and boil in this netherworld of the passions, and sometimes you determinedly turn your face away from the power of your own passions lest they land you in the same dark place as your parents.
You need to believe that everything happens for a good reason and has some profound higher meaning; and that pain has some hidden cause and justification on a metaphysical level. But for your shadow-side, there is no reason or meaning or justification; people are merely unhappy through no fault of their own. Life is just unfair, and loving or depending on another person too much can lead to unendurable unhappiness, while coldness and callousness pass through life unscathed and unpunished. Although this dark side of you seems negative, you need to face it - which means facing your own underlying cynicism and fear of life - because, although it may at first appear brutal, it contains wisdom and a capacity for acceptance which you badly need to integrate into your sometimes excessively idealistic personality. Without the innate capacity to accept what cannot be changed, your idealism is too fragile, and you run the risk of racing in ever decreasing circles into a narrow escapist fantasy-world in order to avoid being hurt. You need to discover that you are strong enough to maintain your faith while still being able to accept people as they are - and to accept yourself as you are too, along with all your baser and less beautiful passions and needs.
A deep mistrust of people undermines the capacity to give freely
You dream perpetually of a world without loneliness and a love without separateness because you have already had a little too much loneliness and separateness in your childhood; and although your romantic imagination might have suppressed these early experiences, or your intellect considers them past because you understand the "reasons", your shadow-side still dwells in a cold, lonely world where love always has conditions and strings attached and everyone has an ulterior motive. One of your parents -probably your mother - was unaffectionate or critical, and the general atmosphere of your early life seems to have been permeated with a good deal of duty, responsibility and rules for good behaviour but little joy and spontaneous affection. Also, there seems to be a theme of material hardship of some kind attached to your family background, which has remained dominant in the hidden side of you whatever your present circumstances - nothing is for free, life is a struggle, and one works to eat. It is as though some part of you has lived through times of bleak poverty - even though this poverty might have been emotional rather than material, or even experienced by your parents rather than yourself - and has never properly recovered. From the perspective of your shadow-side, everybody wants something, and love can only be relied on as long as you are of use to the loved one. You somehow expect to be hurt, used or abandoned, in complete contradiction to your conscious belief in the wonder and transformative power of love; and there is a deep bitterness in you which sometimes makes you try to buy love through gifts, good behaviour or making yourself needed and indispensable even though you may be unaware of setting up such bargains.
You may need to be more honest about facing this cynical, hard side of yourself, which expects nothing from anyone and knows that each person, however apparently altruistic, looks out for himself or herself; for within this apparently negative hard shell lies a worldly wisdom and an acceptance of the limitations of human love and human nature which need to be integrated into your overoptimistic personality. It is possible to combine faith and romanticism with a greater tolerance and compassion for people's failings; for sometimes your very idealism can make you intolerant and unforgiving when you have been disappointed - and you then run the risk of secretly becoming the very thing you fear so much, a hard and self-seeking person who does not love as claimed, but uses others for the gratification of his or her romantic fantasies. You may need to explore with greater insight and understanding the experiences of your childhood and the difficulties in your parents' marriage, for this early part of your life holds the key to that shadow-side which you fear and yet which you need for its strength, its realism and its capacity for acceptance.
The need to honestly face the ambivalent nature of human motives
Thus your dark side is very dark indeed - for it contains many unacknowledged hurts and disappointments which have curdled into a cynical and embittered philosophy that contradicts quite intensely the beauty and optimism of your romantic spirit. Yet this cynical shadow is not something which should be got rid of, or despised and suppressed. It is dark in proportion to the intense light of your conscious world, where all things appear in fairy-tale shape and all colours are clear, brilliant and lit by heaven; and it is dangerous only when it is unconscious. Your shadow-side contains considerable strength, realism and wisdom, without which you are really quite unable to cope with life's demands and disappointments. Without it as a friend, you doom yourself to a state of perpetual running; and sooner or later you will be unable to run any longer, but will have to turn and face the dark shape which runs behind you that is really the shape of your completed personality. You are, at heart, a poet and a child; and this is as it should be, for you have much grace, faith and light in you. But you need your shadow in order to relate honestly to life and people, and to bring your romantic vision to earth in a form which can endure in ordinary life.
Another pair of important characters
The characters described so far represent in their fundamental antagonism the main theme of your inner story. Besides these figures, there is another pair of conflicting figures indicated in your birth chart which are likely to be recognisable in your life. These figures are briefly described in the following paragraphs.
A poetic vision of life
Your reality is an enchanted domain, drawing its sustenance from an inner reservoir of images and dreams, and springing from a deep, non-rational conviction of some numinous power at work not only in your own creative efforts but in the whole of life. It is not that you are conventionally religious, nor even mystical in any usual sense; for the world of the imagination is too chaotic, passionate and sometimes dark for you to worship it in the humble posture of the spiritual devotee. But most of what you experience outside yourself - people, places, situations - is ultimately subordinated to the inner vision you have of its meaning and its essence. You resent having to explain yourself and your strange vision too plainly to more literal souls who think an object is merely an object rather than a symbol, a doorway and a vessel. Because your allegiance to the imaginal world is so strong, your adherence to the conventional codes of living is sporadic; and many people are likely to think you a little peculiar or eccentric. On the deepest level you are wedded to some inner voice, and any partner in your life needs to understand and adapt to this if the relationship is going to work. Even those whom you love most you tend to turn into symbols which inspire and constellate your inner world of images and dreams. Or, put another way, the mundane world and the ordinary actions of ordinary people, become infused with something magical and meaningful, which provides constant fuel for your imagination.
It is necessary for you to have some kind of creative medium, for your inner world is rich and boundless and far more important to you than any more conventional definition which society or loved ones might offer you on the subject of what life is really about. Money is nice, security desirable, and everyday pleasures appealing; but at heart you would forego all of these, or at least a good part of them, if you could find the right language to honour the realm of the soul which is your true reality. You may infuriate those around you with your casual dismissal of things they find important; but no one can question the sincerity of your vision, or the richness of your imagination, or your unmistakable vision of a life which is larger, deeper and more meaningful than life.
Hidden cynicism and materialism
Although you tend to have a certain secret contempt for those unimaginative people who cannot soar into the transpersonal realm nor intuitively recognise the hidden significance underlying every experience, you too have a banal, ordinary and materialistic side. But this dimension of your personality is likely to be repressed, and unconsciously projected upon less gifted or far-seeing souls toward whom you can then feel superior and delightfully misunderstood. This other character lives in the shadow-world of the unconscious, and when you encounter it within yourself it is likely to make you feel embarrassed, inadequate and unsure of yourself. Yet you need a better relationship with this secret shadow-side of your personality - not only to help you cope with the limits of ordinary life, but also to keep you within human bounds, so that you do not inflate and fly away into identification with your inner mythic figures to the point where you lose contact with the people around you.
Irritating though you might find this, the shadow-dimension of your personality has a great deal to contribute to your life. It can offer you the realistic sense of limits which can prune your creative aspirations down to manageable and achievable size; it can allow you to be ordinary and human when your inspiration has temporarily left you, allowing you to enjoy your life and other people even when you are not in the grip of some inner vision or daemon; and it can preserve your sense of humour about yourself and about life. Too much identification with the creatures of your fantasies can result in blockage and depression overwhelming you and destroying the very thing that matters most to you - your service to an inner creative source which is your perpetual companion and daemon, sometimes a friend and sometimes an enemy because it does not permit you placid contentment, but always vital and an unexplainable mystery, whether you call it the soul, the unconscious, God, the Devil, art, or love.
IV. THE FAMILY BACKGROUND
Family myths and psychological inheritance
Although you are an individual, you have emerged from a family background. A family is like a living organism, and it includes certain hereditary characteristics which have passed down through the generations. It also contains a particular set of psychological dynamics, an emotional climate which provides the first soil in which your nascent individuality took root in childhood. Thus you contain certain inner patterns, myths and attitudes toward life which you have acquired from the psychological soil of your family background. In other words, to return to our metaphor of the theatre, the characters in your inner drama are unique; but they carry a family inheritance.
Astrology cannot tell us about physical heredity. But it can tell us a great deal about psychological heredity, which runs through families in the same way that red hair or blue eyes do. Psychological inheritance of deeply rooted attitudes often takes place on hidden, unconscious levels of which individual family members are unaware. Family myths move down the generations as surely as a distinctive facial structure does. An example of a family myth might be: "All the men in this family have been self-made and successful." Or, "All the women in this family have been disappointed by their men." Myths such as these do not need to be spoken, or even recognised, for they pass from one generation to the next via the unconscious, and they are communicated in a multitude of subtle, nonverbal ways. Thus the male child born into the family of "successful" men will inherit a particular set of expectations to which he will respond according to his own nature and his own inner characters. And the female child born into the family of "disappointed women" will inherit certain attitudes about relationships which will affect her later in life if she remains unaware of this inner script.
Because your family background is an integral part of your life story, it is reflected in your birth horoscope. Astrology can offer considerable helpful insight into this realm of life, for according to how conscious you are of the interplay between your own nature and your family inheritance, you will have more or less freedom of choice in life. Your parents themselves are also reflected in your horoscope, although they appear not as real three-dimensional people, but rather as images who embody a particular theme or set of attitudes. These parental images reflect how mother and father appear to you personally, how they operate as patterns within your own psyche, and how they support or conflict with the unfoldment of your own inner drama. The power of the family background should never be underestimated, for it is not the past. It is a living present within each of us. As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote: "Never believe fate is more than the condensation of childhood."
The image of the father in a woman's chart
Father is not only a real person. He is the symbol of an inner pattern or perspective through which you relate to life. The image of the father portrayed in your birth horoscope therefore describes three things.
Firstly, it is a subjective picture of the qualities you experienced as most dominant in your relationship with your father - or whoever played the role of father in your early life.
Secondly, it is a symbol of what the masculine represents to you, for your father was the first man in your life. He is therefore a powerful unconscious influence not only on what you seek in male partners and on how you relate to men in general, but also on how you express the masculine or goal-orientated side of your own personality.
Thirdly, it is a picture of your own inner father-qualities: how you order and structure your life, how you envisage and pursue your goals, how you express and direct your will, and how you formulate your ethical codes and ideals.
His psychological absence leads to sadness and confusion
The subjective image of your father which is portrayed in your birth horoscope is a mysterious and complex one. You did not know your father as a solid and supportive personality - either because he was physically absent, or because you experienced his personality as too withdrawn, weak, aloof or unhappy to allow you much access to his true feelings and character. In a sense, you have had to sacrifice a genuine close relationship with your father, and there lies somewhere within you a sad longing for what you feel you did not have, coupled with a strong tendency to idealize the psychologically absent parent into a mystical figure and justify his inaccessibility by blaming yourself. Thus there is likely to be much confusion within you about your own worth because of your early relationship with your father, and you tend in adult life to look secretly to others as the arbiters of your sense of self-value.
The longing for a father-surrogate
Because your experience of your father has been a poignant and disappointing one, there are many qualities which you have had to acquire through your own experience in life. Most importantly, your early sacrifice means that you will need to learn how to father yourself - to find inner resources which provide the necessary ambition, will and determination to actualise your potentials and accomplish something worthwhile with your talents. Because you did not experience a strong and solid model of the masculine principle in early life, you perpetually struggle against the tendency to drift along hoping that someone or something - perhaps a father-surrogate of some kind - will descend from the vault of heaven and provide you with the impetus and strength to achieve your goals. Such father-surrogates have inevitably proved disappointing to you, for your father-image offers you a challenge which you must meet with your own resources. In grappling with this problem, you will find that you can willingly relinquish your deep-seated melancholy and disappointment, and can begin to see your father as a sensitive and fallible human being rather than a semi-divine figure who has on some level abandoned you.
Then the more creative dimension of this father-image can come into play within you, for your early experience of your father can open many doors to balance your sense of disappointment. The longing which your physically or emotionally absent father has inspired in you is really your own yearning for a set of spiritual values by which you can live. Behind the idealised image of your personal father stands the divine father. Thus your sacrifice is a creative one according to the deeper meaning of the word - to "make sacred" - for through your mysteriously inaccessible father you have inherited a profound sensitivity to the transpersonal world, and may find as your life progresses that the father you are seeking is really available after all - in the vitality and boundlessness of your own imaginative and spiritual life.
In addition to this dominant image, there is another figure portrayed by your birth horoscope which adds further complexity to your experience of your father.
High ideals, but little emotional support
Your father represented a quality of aloofness or detachment for you, which is highly creative on one level, and quite difficult on another. From him you have inherited a deep appreciation of the world of the mind, and a detached perspective on life which gives vision and breadth to your thinking. But you and your father were alienated - either because he was physically absent, or because he could not relate through ordinary demonstration of affection. He may have emphasised your education and mental development while at the same time subtly or overtly rejecting your feeling and instinctual needs - and you may have interpreted this rejection as your own failing and now, as an adult, strive toward too high an ideal of perfection while unnecessarily devaluing your more human needs.
Balancing head and heart
You can express your lofty standards and love of independence and clear thinking in a creative way, while still retaining a sense of self-worth in your emotional dealings with others. The heart is as valuable as the intellect, although the message you received from your father is that it is not; and you need to be careful not to become too rigid in your definition of what you think human beings, including yourself, ought to be. The power of this cool and lofty father-image within you is very great in both positive and negative ways, and you will need to stand firmly on the ground of your own human worth while exploring the clear heights of the mind and the spirit, which are your inheritance.
The image of the mother in a woman's chart
Mother, like father, is not only a person. She is also the symbol of an essential principle in life, and of an inner dynamic or perspective through which we relate to life. The image of the mother which is portrayed in your birth horoscope therefore describes three things.
Firstly, it is a subjective description of the qualities most dominant in your relationship with your mother. Many of these will be known to you, but some might be surprising, because they reflect not only her outer behaviour, but her inner life - that side of her which was unexpressed and therefore of great power in terms of its effects on you.
Secondly, the mother-image in your horoscope is a portrait of what the feminine represents to you - how you relate to yourself as a woman, and how you experience other women.
Thirdly, it is a picture of your own "maternal" qualities - your capacity to nurture and care for yourself and others, your sense of safety and trust in life's essential kindness, and your ability to flow with time and circumstances and to know instinctively when to wait and accept with wisdom the situations which life brings.
The image of Cinderella
The subjective image of your mother portrayed by your birth horoscope has all the delicacy and romance of a fairy tale. Although in outer appearance and behavior your mother may now, to your adult eyes, seem to you to have been anything but a fairy tale princess, there was much of Cinderella in her - an idealized figure who was subjected to a harsher and more difficult life than she would have wished for, and who may have appeared to your child's perception - and to herself - as the beautiful but unfulfilled maiden whose prince never arrived no matter how many frogs she kissed. Even if your mother came from a poor background with few educational or social opportunities, she probably possessed a good deal of innate taste and refinement, and when younger she may have been quite beautiful, or at least attractive and magnetic. Within you, this disguised princess reflects your own deep love of beauty and grace, and your need for a life of harmony, pleasure and style - whether you express these qualities openly or not.
This romantic image of your mother is, however, highly ambivalent, particularly if you are unconscious of it and of your deeper feelings toward her. There may be a touch of Snow White in your way of relating to your mother, for you may have idealized her at the expense of your own confidence in yourself as a woman. Both you and your mother may have been secretly jealous of each other as rivals for any possible prince who might have appeared -particularly your father - and you may reenact this unconscious dynamic in your adult life where you turn other women into threatening rivals or superior creatures who seem to possess all the magnetic power you believe yourself to lack.
You may need to be more conscious of the romantic princess beneath whatever more prosaic or negative image you hold of your mother. This will help to free you from compulsive relationship patterns where your mother appears projected onto women as lovers or rivals, and it will also release the more creative dimension of this mother-image within yourself. Essentially it is a positive one, full of beauty, refinement and magnetism; and your own highly developed aesthetic side can bring much harmony and joy into your life. It may also be important for you to recognise that the mythic figure of the fairy tale princess is ultimately not a person, but an archetype, and that you are neither responsible for your mother's disappointed romantic dreams nor need you give up your own.
The Parental Marriage
The relationship between your parents portrayed in your birth horoscope is an important symbol of your own internal model of male-female relationships. Just as you have inherited certain psychological patterns from your parents, so too you have inherited a set of attitudes toward love, partnership and emotional commitment. Also, the astrological portrait of the parental marriage is a symbol of the dynamic between the male and female sides of yourself - between the active, mental and spiritual dimension of your personality and the receptive, instinctual and emotional one. Thus the parental marriage is both a description of an inner image of relationship and a picture of your potential for integrating the opposite poles of your own personality.
The following portrait of your parents' marriage is thus meant to be understood as a subjective, and perhaps even unconscious, image of certain attitudes which you may bring into your adult relationships - and into your way of dealing with the complexities of your inner nature. It is not a judgement on your parents. It is an inclination toward a certain pattern in human relationship which, although probably enacted to some extent by your actual parents during the years of your childhood, is really a facet of your own inner drama.
A struggle between willful personalities
The emotional climate into which you were born was one of conflict, overt or subtly expressed. Whether this conflict sprang from practical difficulties - such as financial pressures - or from a struggle of some kind between your parents which reflected a fundamental incompatibility of values within their marriage, your early life was not surrounded by harmony or stability. Although there is certainly no implication of blame attached to either parent in an astrological portrait, the atmosphere of your childhood was permeated by tension and conflict of wills, and probably neither parent was particularly happy or fulfilled. This early battleground in turn reflects a deep internal conflict. You contain within you similar incompatible viewpoints and sets of values - a collision between your ideals and your heart - and you tend to be somewhat touchy and edgy in your dealings with others because there is a constant state of tension and restlessness existing inside. You have a habit of swinging from one perspective to the other, going through distinct phases of behaviour each of which seems later on to be reprehensible or negative during the succeeding one. You are not at all clear just who you are or what you want a good deal of the time, and this confusion reflects the climate in which you spent your earliest years, swinging in sympathy toward first one parent and then the other.
It might be important for you to become better acquainted with these battling sides of yourself by looking more carefully at the different sets of values your parents represented to you. Although you were caught in a kind of cross-fire between them, you do not have to remain caught in your own. You can stand in the middle and recognise that both sets of needs within you have a right to be met, and that neither is wrong or unable to be fulfilled. You have a deep and sometimes very depressing conviction that you must always choose between what you want to fulfill your goals and what you need to be happy; but this is not a true "fate" with which you have been saddled. It is a response to a childhood in which no resolution could apparently occur between your parents, neither of whom could be wholly happy and fulfilled with the other. But within you a resolution is possible; and you can indeed embrace both and live a rich, varied and stimulating life, if you can learn not to judge yourself so harshly.
V. RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS
Relationships are among the most mysterious, rewarding and frustrating of all human experiences. Both astrology and psychology teach us that nothing that occurs within a relationship is chance - neither its beginning, nor its fluctuations and conflicts, nor its ending. But astrology cannot say whether you are "fated" to have a good or a bad marriage, or whether you ought to be with a Cancer or a Sagittarius. Your birth horoscope describes what you are like inside, and therefore what kind of patterns, needs and compulsions you are likely to bring into your relationships with others. You cannot become somebody different, or send in your birth horoscope and request a new set of character. But you can be more or less conscious; and you always have the freedom to look at your own issues, to deal with needs which are your responsibility and not your partner's, and to respond to both joy and pain in creative ways.
The following paragraphs describe your attitudes, needs, and typical patterns in close relationships. This description is written about you in terms of your dealings with the man in your life. However, if you are involved in a close relationship with someone of your own sex, you will find that the same attitudes, needs and patterns still apply. Whatever your sexual tastes, you are yourself - and it is your inner nature which ultimately dictates the course of your love-life.
Themes connected to relationship issues have already been mentioned in the previous chapters, where the basic archtypal figures dominating in your birth chart were described. Therefore some of the following description will repeat and broaden parts of what has been said already. Some might also contradict, and indicate an inner contradiction inherent in your attitude towards relationships.
The attractions of a worldly partner
Your delightfully romantic and curiously innocent vision of life circles around the dream of the perfect relationship where you and your partner live happily ever after. Because life is likely to give you a few knocks on this front (although it can never wholly tarnish your dream), you tend to be attracted to those people who are more worldly-wise than you, who can cope with the harder and darker facets of life, and who can be a kind of buffer between you and the nasty cold world outside. In other words, you like being fathered, and want a relationship where you can be enchantingly childlike, deeply loved and tenderly protected. A more realistic and worldly personality might in fact be very good for you, although you will need one day to compromise that bright vision at least a little bit if you do not wish to endlessly hop from one relationship to another trying to find the perfect knight. But you must be careful not to push your partner into permanently playing the role of good father. Certainly you need tenderness, understanding, and a sympathetic partner who can contain you while refraining from trying to destroy your dreams. But it is the sexual side of your relationships which is likely to cause you trouble if you put too much responsibility for taking care of everything onto your man and do not make some effort to face life's challenges with your own strengths and resources. If you expect the earth to move and the heavens to open every time you kiss, then you are asking for trouble. Whoever said, "Love is never having to say you're sorry" was being very silly.
Avoiding the third act of a Verdi opera
The ordinary ebbs and flows of passion and the ordinary little difficulties which arise in every long-term relationship can become huge mountainous problems for you because you expect no problems at all; and because you are always peering over the hills and far away just in case a handsomer prince might be seen riding in the distance, you tend to overreact in ways which do not do justice to your partner. You have a deep love of the theatrical and become easily bored without a little excitement in your life; but you are likely to be drawn to men who are more sober and restrained by nature and who can provide you with some balance. But then you can easily start interpreting restraint as coldness and sobriety as dullness if you cannot accommodate the reality of your partner as well as your fantasy of him. You are a natural romantic and have a good chance of creating what most people can only dream about and envy: a relationship which keeps its magic over the years. It is worth making some effort to work on your own problem of accommodating the limits of mortal life and of your mortal partner in order to obtain this rare gift.
There is more than one type of man you find yourself attracted to, for your relationship needs are not simple. In addition to the theme described above, there is another relationship pattern portrayed in your birth horoscope which is described briefly in the following paragraphs.
Attractions of a rational partner
You are so in love with the creatures of your imagination that often you are going to be drawn in your outer life to men who are more firmly grounded in mundane reality than you, who have made friends with the practical concerns of life, and who have the gift of formulating and articulating ideas and attitudes; for such a man can help you to learn to put your own mundane life in order and see it in a clearer perspective, while the richness of your inner world is an excellent complement to the clear rationality of a more pragmatic partner. But you need to learn not to devalue your loved one's gifts because they seem sometimes more prosaic and quotidien when measured against your world of knights on white horses and cosmic conflagrations.
You may also need to learn that your partner is not some kind of father-surrogate who is expected to manage all the boring daily stuff while you dance with the gods in archetypal realms. Rather, you need to let him help you in your painful adjustment to outer reality. Your partner will not thank you for being treated like a cross between an accountant, a handyman and a Victorian parent who is expected to direct your thinking and decision-making while worshipping at the feet of the muse. A more rational and intellectually precise nature can balance you while learning from your own considerable creative gifts. Just as you need time and patience in formulating what you think, he needs time and patience in learning to swim in the chaos of the imagination.
The gift of affection and loyalty
You are not frightened of needing others, and within a close relationship you tend to express this need as a rare quality of sensitivity, affection and emotional loyalty toward your partner. You are rather sentimental in love, keeping old letters and remembering anniversaries, and you have a deep need for a tranquil domestic life and a sense of continuity with the family and the past. Love for you does not just happen instantaneously; it is built, little by little, upon shared memories and the mutually exchanged feelings of being needed and supportive when the difficult times come. Thus there is much of the maternal in your way of loving, and it is as important for you to feel useful and needed as it is for you to be fussed over and adored in more conventionally romantic ways. There is a strongly traditional and conservative element in you which does not like emotional surprises or unpredictability of any kind in a partner - even if your own moodiness makes you sometimes a little changeable yourself.
You may need to accept that your man is very likely not so attentive to the little details of life as you are, and perhaps of a more independent spirit than you; for despite your deep loyalty and your tendency to make sacrifices for your loved ones, you can easily become hurt, resentful and sulky if you feel your loving gestures and contributions are not properly appreciated. Try not to live by a double standard, for you must give your love freely or not at all. You cannot bargain with it in order to bind your man and guarantee yourself emotional security; and such ploys do not do justice to the grace, kindness and empathy which you have to offer your partner.
VI. PATHS TOWARD INTEGRATION
As you have seen from the preceding pages, your birth horoscope offers a detailed and in-depth portrait of many aspects of your life. It is also possible to step further back from the horoscope, and to use the faculties of a telescope rather than a microscope - so that an overview of the play comes into focus. The following provide also some suggestions of ways in which conscious effort might make it possible for you to achieve greater harmony between the different components within yourself, and to strengthen that centre of the personality which psychology calls the ego, the "I". Free will may not include the possibility of becoming somebody else. But it might include the ability to stand firmly at the centre of your horoscope and feel related to the different aspects of your psyche, rather than wandering about blindly, feeling impotent and victimised by conflicting cross-currents and impulses from within yourself and from the world outside. Two people may have certain astrological configurations which are similar, but one might be buffeted by his or her inner demons like a rudderless small boat tossed on a difficult sea; while the other individual remains somehow solid and real as a person and can therefore navigate the boat intelligently through the ocean's changing currents.
Contributing to human development
You will never find real fulfilment serving only yourself. The knowledge that you have contributed something to society and to the development of human consciousness is essential to your feeling that your life has some deeper purpose. Although you may have any number of interesting hobbies, companions and interests that bring you happiness, it is particularly in relation to the work you choose that you need to look beyond merely personal concerns and select a vocation which also benefits others in some way - especially in the realm of mental development. Because ideas and their power to promote change interest you, you might look within the spheres of education, sociology, group work, psychology or esoteric subjects for themes which might strike a spark in you.
Your intuitive sense of the underlying beauty and purpose of human life will help you to focus your energies on offering something which enhances and supports the welfare of others, although you may be more drawn to making your contribution through creative or spiritual channels rather than practical ones. But you should try not to hide the light of your imagination behind a bushel, for such an offering is as valid and important as the more obvious professions which concern themselves with helping individuals or society.
The more energy you put into work which encompasses a broader connection with the welfare of human beings as a group, the stronger your connection will grow with a sense of meaning and true self-esteem; for you have something special to offer others, and you need to believe in your own dreams. If you are caught in a narrow field of work and find yourself bored and restless, try to expand your life, even if it means taking a gamble with material security for a while. You have nothing to lose but your frustration.
Facing the environment with confidence
There is one area of life where any effort you make to face your fears and meet the challenge of expressing your own individuality will always result in increased strength and self-respect - even if you are not always successful. You have a deep sense of awkwardness and even inferiority whenever you are called upon to express your real feelings, ideas and nature - and because of this uncomfortable shyness you have acquired various masks and defenses which, although they might be detectable by many people, nevertheless prevent anyone from really coming close to you. Somehow you do not expect the world to respond to you, for you experience it as a hostile place full of people who will not appreciate you or let you have what you want. But you will never be satisfied hiding behind a facade, for you long to be seen and heard and valued as you are. You also lack confidence in yourself physically, and here too any effort to develop and give value to your body will result in greater self-confidence. You could, of course, simply go on hiding; for no one is going to force you to come out. But your own frustration might accomplish what life does not. You have plenty of courage and strength, for it takes courage and strength to build and sustain such strong defenses. Yet if you can apply this courage to the task of letting yourself be vulnerable - by taking the risk of being uninhibitedly and unashamedly yourself - you may find that in fact your personality is a potent and effective force. For you will have learned the hard way to be loyal to yourself.
Thus one of your great fears - of expressing your own individuality -can become the indestructible base on which you can build a truly authentic, original contribution which is of genuine benefit to others. For you will have built it from your own vision, your own experience, and the wisdom you have learned from both your disappointments and your achievements. Your true work in life lies with others; but you cannot borrow from the ideas of others in order to do it. You must find your inspiration within.
for Julia (female)
birthdate: 14 June 1978 local time 10:55 am
place: Dallas, TX (US) U.T. 15:55
96w48, 32n47 sid. time 02:58:10
PLANETARY POSITIONS
planet sign degree motion
Sun Gemini 23°13'47 in house 11 direct
Moon Libra 1°35'21 in house 2 direct
Mercury Gemini 23°26'29 in house 11 direct
Venus Cancer 28°06'45 in house 12 direct
Mars Virgo 0°18'12 in house 1 direct
Jupiter Cancer 12°03'52 in house 11 direct
Saturn Leo 25°45'52 in house 1 direct
Uranus Scorpio 12°52'07 in house 3 retrograde
Neptune Sagittarius 16°46'09 in house 4 retrograde
Pluto Libra 13°55'26 end of house 2 retrograde
Moon's Node Libra 1°50'06 in house 2 retrograde
Planets at the end of a house are interpreted in the next house.
HOUSE POSITIONS (Placidus)
Ascendant Leo 21°36'52
2nd House Virgo 15°49'22
3rd House Libra 14°27'41
Imum Coeli Scorpio 17°00'24
5th House Sagittarius 20°40'50
6th House Capricorn 22°33'48
Descendant Aquarius 21°36'52
8th House Pisces 15°49'22
9th House Aries 14°27'41
Medium Coeli Taurus 17°00'24
11th House Gemini 20°40'50
12th House Cancer 22°33'48
MAJOR ASPECTS
Sun Square Moon 8°22
Sun Conjunction Mercury 0°13
Sun Sextile Saturn 2°32
Sun Opposition Neptune 6°27
Sun Trine Pluto 9°17
Sun Square Moon's Node 8°36
Moon Square Mercury 8°09
Moon Sextile Venus 3°29
Moon Conjunction Moon's Node 0°15
Mercury Sextile Saturn 2°19
Mercury Opposition Neptune 6°39
Mercury Trine Pluto 9°30
Mercury Square Moon's Node 8°24
Venus Sextile Moon's Node 3°43
Mars Conjunction Saturn 4°32
Jupiter Trine Uranus 0°48
Jupiter Square Pluto 1°52
Saturn Trine Neptune 8°59
Neptune Sextile Pluto 2°51
Mars Conjunction Ascendant 8°41
Saturn Conjunction Ascendant 4°09
Uranus Opposition Medium Coeli 4°07
Numbers indicate orb (deviation from the exact aspect angle).
