last night's dream

i was on a cruise with my family and my loyal friend, whitney. she's a scorpio with sage-like wisdom.

i discovered that a man i know, someone i wasn't sure if i would ever see again, was also on the boat with his family.

i was overjoyed--i've been wondering how it would be if we ever saw each other again.

we were both so happy to see each other, neither of us having expected it. finally, our moment had come. it felt amazing. he was wearing a red shirt.

but then something happened. we were around a lot of people--his family, my family, and there were these girls on the boat, the standard dumb, shallow american girls who were just looking for a good time.

i held my feelings close. i didn't spill my most honest words. i didn't want to tell him all i'd been holding for him, in case he didn't feel the same way. i wanted him to break the ice, tell me that it's been the same for him, this longing. but then this girl with long curly, blond hair, she wasn't pretty but she was drunk and aggressive, kept hitting on him. and i was patiently biding my time for us to be alone. there was so much to say. i wanted him to open it.

but then he disappeared with her. just left. and i asked whitney where he was and i can always tell when she knows the truth but doesn't want to tell me because she knows it will hurt.

so we just hung out, had a good time, and i tried not to think about it. dinner was formal that night, and when we showed up at the dining room, i looked over at his table and he wasn't there.

he's fucking her, isn't he?, i asked whitney. i could see him taking off his red shirt and fucking this empty, empty girl in my mind. i knew it wasn't imagination or fear.

she didn't answer right away, choosing her words carefully.

sometimes guys will choose a lesser girl because it's easier, she said. being with someone like you can be a lot of pressure for a guy who's not good enough, or doesn't think he's good enough. it just means he's a lesser guy. lesser guys go for lesser girls.

i felt so defeated. didn't know if i was more disappointed in him, or in myself for believing in him. i had waited a long time for this moment, and by fate and chance, we found each other on this boat, a perfect reunion, proof of magic, and he'd run off with another girl. i had already been told about the rules of us--that we would have to give each other maximum freedom to allow each other to be ourselves...to be tied to this person means we each must give each other a long leash, even if that meant losing the person in the arms of someone else.

i couldn't believe it was happening again, but this time, it really hurt. it was insulting. i was angry. i was jealous. i felt so stupid for everything i'd ever believed in.

my group and i were in our cabin, hanging out, and i didn't want to go out and see them together. i looked over and whitney was sitting in a chair nearby, reading, and i realized what a faithful friend she is. and that i was preventing her from fully enjoying her vacation.

let's get out of here, i said. i was filled with fire, a need to get beyond this or burn up trying. i was going to throw my belief in fate and destiny into the fire because i didn't want it anymore--i would use it as fuel to get me past this caring, because i didn't want to care anymore. this was just one stupid boy who didn't want me, so i didn't want him anymore either.

so we got ready and i was going to wear a red shirt, but i couldn't find it. instead, i found an identical one, but it was white.

and i went out, eyes filled with burning. i didn't know if i was going to go take ownership of my man, rip his world inside out with all that could have been then leave him standing alone, naked, or tear the night up around us. power was surging through me because i was burning it all up, and i'd lost my faith.

i woke up before i saw what happened next. i kept falling asleep and it kept returning to the boat, but now i was aware it was a dream, so all the characters were kind of fuzzy and unreal; it was like they interacted like people but i knew they were figments of a dream world, therefore meaningless. but this guy, he didn't waver. he was real. and no matter how many times i woke up and fell back to sleep, everyone else was a fuzzy dream figment that i could control, but he was there as solid as day, standing in front of me. watching me. with this little smile like he already knows, but he's just waiting for me to know it, too.