the guy who likes me is this massive, muscle-bound el-salvadorian guy (i'd thought he was cuban) with dragons tattoed on his arms who i'm always overhearing on the sidelines talking about how tough and strong i am with this gleam in his eye. the whole gym knows he's a fan of mine. i sense he suspects i'm a monster in bed. he told me today that he likes me because i'm beautiful, strong, funny, play sports and like to cook, but the fact that i can come out and play with guys and not be intimidated is amazing. he asked me what kind of guy i like.

i looked over at the guy i've been trying to work up the nerve to ask if he's single, and i know this guy who epitomizes raw physical masculinity will laugh at me if i tell him, "that guy" because he imagines that a girl like me will want a virile tank of man, an emblem of male sexuality. like him. the guy i like is pretty average--a software guy, but i love how much heart he has, how he doesn't give up on plays. he's gotta be in his mid-30's, somewhere between skinny and wiry, low-key, intelligent eyes, warm smile. just an average, nice guy. not someone who walks into a crowd and commands attention, but that's my type--i don't care for trophies. i don't like flair; i like substance, like quiet evenings where it's about safety, comfort and compatibility rather than public flaunting.

i like guys who are smart, nice and stable. because i'm not consistent, i need someone who is. someone able to verbally bounce with me and enjoy it. accountants or engineers or worker bees by day, partners and family guys by night. privately romantic, creative, amazing, like me. guys with easy laughs who adore me, and i in turn adore them because i can feel comfortable around them. someone who supports my imagination's adventures without actually expecting me to leave home and climb mountains (i don't do that). i have a strong masculine side but i need a guy who's comfortable with his feminine side to let me back down and be feminine, just like i will let him step up and be masculine. i don't need a man's man who thinks of me as something wild to be conquered and owned, because there's a side of me that's docile, sweet and maternal, and i need someone who can appreciate and honor that side as well. i need someone sweet and warm to be by my side and share secret jokes and pleasures with. someone who will be my home when i come home.