my mom always said, "if you win all the time, people won't want to play with you and you won't have any friends."
yet white moms were telling their kids to go for the win no matter what it took.
it's always been hard for me to decide whether something my mom is doing or saying is motivated by wanting to protect me, and when it's out of making sure she can control me, because her default setting is to see me as an extension of herself. like consciously, her intentions are completely pure and she loves me dearly, but she's got that tricky unconscious side that can't be trusted. i think that's why i get so mad sometimes when she gives me advice, even though i always go to her for it. i know she loves me deeply, but sometimes, i think she can be unaware of her own motives. i hate having to triangulate her intentions to decide if advice is for me or for her, and i hate having to do it. i wish i could just trust it.
and that's the thing. i know i'm writing out a lot of the old family skeletons, but i need to see them and decide how to use them to build a better understanding for future me, how to let go of things i don't need anymore. i'm not wallowing in bitterness or the past. i'm letting consciousness flow into these places of stagnancy to flush out things that may be blocking me.
my parents have been wonderful parents who, despite their issues and their own childhood experiences of dysfunction, tried their best to make things work and take care of children in a difficult and complex situation (a child with a disability). there's a lot of love in our family, and a lot of trust when it comes to standing together to face the world outside. but the bone i have to pick is with the unconscious part of them that plays out like a haunting, possessing good, intelligent people. i don't want to play with that part anymore. i lived with it, i dealt with it, i've grown beyond it with an ability to look at it all from a bigger perspective, but now i get to throw it out of my closets so i have room for my own things, things that i like.
