you can tell alcoholics--they have a "soggy" look to them.
gamblers--their eyes

i've got a basketball game in 2 hours. today or tomorrow, i'll write about my grandfather and how his gambling addiction shaped my mother's life.

i told my mom about how i was meeting a guy for coffee but he didn't show up. as soon as i mentioned that he's a bartender, she flipped out so quickly i had to tell her to shut up and chill out. you can almost hear the sirens in her head, so loud it blocks her ability to listen. it wasn't personal. i knew it was the old terror of watching my grandfather destroy his own life and everyone's around him that had risen up and was clutching her. i don't blame her.

don't worry, i told her. i never took it that seriously as a romantic thing. more so a wanting to know about someone, doing something good. but this is what i meant when i wrote about having to be careful and tread lightly. it's often easy for me to see people's problems--where they come from, what hurts, how they can work with them and get closer to their personal potential. it's very important to me to use my abilities to be helpful to people. but over the years, i've been careful about crossing that personal line. you can be there for someone and listen and try to be helpful. but never, ever reach out a hand to a drowning man and make it your own personal problem. it doesn't help them, and it will drown you.

that's why i wanted to tread carefully. i have a lot of power inside me now, people are sensing it. it can be used for great good, great compassion, great healing. but if i get a drowning man latched onto me, i can be drained, like what happened last year.

yes, i have a feeling he went on a bender last night after he went home. i spent last night getting to know him, and i saw a lot of his insides and issues. but i also saw a really kind heart and a good person. but it's not about one side or the other. it's about the big picture. it's about what's good for me, and what's good for me puts me in the best situation to be the best possible for other people. i wanted a chance to talk to this guy, give him a compassionate ear, let him feel heard. under whatever pretense, he wanted a chance to be close to me as well. but end of the day, each person is an engineer of their own life experience, so you have to respect that while also respecting yourself.