lots of staring from both men and women. so it's not just seattle, it's definitely something about me that's new. it's not just normal looking, but they're looking in a way that seems like they're completely not aware of themselves. sometimes they're walking by and they actually swerve or angle towards me. and the particular thing about it is how much i don't think they're aware, which would help me understand why it's happening.

then i got two fake recognitions today. i walked into a restaurant to pick up a salad while michael and my mom were getting christmas lights next door. a woman got up from her table and rushed over, then stopped and apologized, saying she thought i was someone else. i told her even if i'm not her friend, we can say hi to each other anyway. then the owner asked if i was mr. ni's wife. i said, no, but my uncle's last name is ni. after some back and forth, we realized she thought i was my uncle's wife. i'm flattered because my aunt is a very beautiful woman, but we have a 25 year age difference. but most interesting of all, was to be mistaken for someone i actually knew.

only 2 other minor anomalies.

1. friday night, my brother invited his 27 year-old trainer to the warriors game with us. he's worked at the gym that raised me since he was a teenager, so i've seen him around for a long time, though i don't know him at all. just that he was very kind once when michael got mad at me for increasing his treadmill speed and threw a tantrum. he'd taken over training michael after andrew (the 22 year-old who had the crush on me last year) left for berkeley. i'd never had a conversation with him, thinking he was one of the stuck-up types that work there (like my lust-hate relationship with the sales guy), so one day when he came up and had a 15 minute conversation with me about michael, i was really weirded out and kept shifting around nervously. since then, i've accepted that i'd judged him without knowing him, and he's a nice person. so he met up at our house and we all rode together. at the game, usually i sit in the other section with my dad, but he was mad at me, so my mom sat with him and i sat with michael and his trainer. he and i ended up talking the whole game. he's a serious guy, but since i know nothing about him, we had plenty to talk about. i learned he's finishing his certification as an emt and wants to become a firefighter. that he has two half-sisters and is the oldest. that his dad lives with his youngest sister in reno, and he lives with his stepfather. he spent months in ireland, finding work in a bar for cash under the table, then in belgium doing the same. he ran track in oregon, then went to northridge on an athletic scholarship. we went to the same high school and know some of the same people, the same teachers. he's a libra. and we've co-existed for a long time.

he went home after the game, and i had wanted to go to the cowboy bar with my mom and michael, but it didn't feel right so we just stayed home and watched dvd's. later, my mom asked me why i don't date someone younger than me. it made me wonder if the night had been a set-up, either on his part, her part, or neither, consciously. i can't think about things like that though. the secret is that i'm too scared to acknowledge his potential interest to take him seriously. my first contact and humiliation with a boy was with someone who wore the same uniform as him, in this city. i realized a ghost i'm being given the opportunity to put away.

so today, i went to the toy store to pick up presents for edison and jonathan (robots that require assembly, of course. they will be trained as i was trained). i was checking out with a gift certificate, but for some reason, their computer kept crashing and they couldn't process it. so i'd already been waiting for 20 minutes and was just watching the mayhem of the store against the rainstorm outside, when i saw the trainer walk by. in his uniform. i called his name and he came over. he was buying a present for his niece, a spiderman toy. he said he wants to reinforce the tomgirl in her. i laughed and said that i loved spiderman as a kid. my very first halloween costume was spiderman.

i started getting nervous and shy talking to him, but he kept the conversation going. he was asking if we'd ended up going to the cowboy bar, and about nightlife around the area. he told me that michael had told him i was still in bed when they saw each other the morning after the game, so he thought i'd stayed out. i don't really know what we were talking about. i was mostly trying to act normal and not give up that i was very uncomfortable. much of my stress also involved whether i'm expected to shake his hand, give him a gym slap, or give him a hug at the end of this conversation. we do kind of a gym slap hand shake, and his hand is hot and damp. mine is cool. most of my blood had been in my head, trying to keep myself from ejecting from the situation.

2. was going to message andrew so he was on my mind, and lo and behold, i run into him tonight. it's been half a year. he was excited to see me, and i hugged his lower back/abdomen, which is my favorite part of him to hug (his favorite to show off). you should have seen how quickly he ushered me away when his girlfriend showed up. haha! someone was feeling guilty.