i was rereading the report, the section about my relationship with my father and his rejection of emotional or instinctual needs. i think my mom was more in charge of the rejection of emotional needs. she was always telling me i'm too sensitive and would be disgusted with me when i would cry. she called me weak. i think deep down she both resents and feels responsibility for my brother's disability as a weakness, though she may not have been conscious of it. but my dad used to make us feel bad when we were hungry. he would kind of taunt us, or eat in front of us but not offer us anything. you would either have to ask for food and risk getting a comment that would hurt, or just suck it up in pride and pretend you're not hungry. i know it's because he went hungry a lot as a kid, and a lot of times, people withheld food and he couldn't say anything.

and he always had to scare us, jumping out of corners, thrusting spiders he'd just squashed with a tissue at us before disposing them. in a way, that's why i envy 5 year-old edison's confidence--when my dad tries to scare him, he just firmly says, "i don't want to play like that."

i look at it now as kind of a cry for help. like giant indicators of where he was hurt as a kid. he probably went scared and hungry a lot. his parents had abandoned him and his siblings. my mom had to be strong to survive a community turned against the family because of my grandfather, so the only way to survive was to never show weakness. by giving us those experiences, i can understand how they felt, because i've tasted the ghosts--i've lived with them. but it doesn't mean they have to keep perpetuating.

my parents are terrified of me blaming them for the past. they're well aware mistakes were made, so anytime i bring stuff up, they get really defensive. but i think if you got a really close, loving supportive family, you kind of won the lottery. maybe it's cynical, but i think of it as being realistic. most families have issues because people have issues. i think most families, there are certain things passed down generations, and each generation tries to break the cycle so they don't pass it down to their kids. it's not personal to the parent, it's just this darkness, this perpetuating pain, that gets passed through unconsciousness. it's part of our humanness.

i've always recognized that to break our family's particular cycle would require conquering this rejection and embarrassment of normal needs. i won't be able to get close to people until i can feel comfortable with the fact that i have needs and to need is human. right now, it's still nearly impossible for me to verbalize what i need. if you put me in a position where i need to state what i need, watch me freeze like a deer in headlights. it's a paralysis. in the last few years, i've learned to feel more comfortable with verbalizing what i want without fear that people will know exactly what to withhold from me, or that they will ridicule me. it took a while for me to believe that the majority of people aren't that cruel for the sake of cruelty. but need is such a different level. want is something you can take or leave. need is something you, well, need. like food, shelter, understanding, compassion, kindness, love. but the code written into my psyche, is rich with experiences where i was rejected or taunted for having needs. i really want to conquer this. i don't want to feel so terrified anymore about the prospect of admitting something i need. otherwise, i'm going to keep denying bridges that would bring me closer to other people in a way that is mutual and normal.