guess i did make it to 3am. this is problematic. i can't sleep. echoes are roaring in my head. difficult because i was sleeping pretty well on the ship. hopefully, i get back to a better sleep schedule when i get back to la.

there were two dreams that i remember from the first then second night at sea. i was astounded by how vivid they were.

in the first, i was living in an urban city with high rises, like new york. we were all in this tall building when someone saw a triangular object coming down from the sky, moving in an odd way like nothing i've ever seen, like it was descending at an angle too fast, too smoothly to be anything i was familiar with. suddenly, it began methodically shooting blasts at the city, and wherever these blasts were directed, the entire area was engulfed in an explosion. the triangle thing was very methodical, working in a grid. as soon as it was happening, we all started screaming. i was with a guy played by Alex O'Loughlin (the shield), who frankly, is pretty hot. he and i were in a building together when we saw the attack begin, and he grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs into the streets. the explosions were getting closer and we found this busted old station wagon on the street. he broke the window then unlocked the door, hotwiring the car. we speed out of the city and managed to get on a road that led into the country before our area of the grid got hit, but behind us, the entire city was burning.

we went to this cottage in the country where this woman alex knew lived. she was played by halle berry (i know, it was weird how i was aware that actors were playing the people in my dream, yet the dream felt completely real. like simultaneously knowing something is not real and real, and both are distinctly correct). she was an artist of some sort, and i think they used to be in a relationship but were friends now, but it was something i didn't worry about. (i also remember thinking that once halle berry meets alex in real life, she'll leave gabriel aubry for him, even though he's the father of her baby).

at the cottage, we tried every radio station and there was nothing but static. when i woke up, we were still in the cottage figuring out what to do.

in the dream the next night, i was dating this guy i dated a long time ago when i was young, this guy who did something really fucked up that wounded my ability to trust men for a little while. he looked different though, more athletic, happier, so i didn't seem to remember that this was not someone i wanted in my life. like somehow, i knew who he was, but i didn't recognize him as that bad guy, so i was happy being with him. i was at one of the studio lots when i ran into my friend tina, who by now was doing really well with acting, having gotten a major role in a tv show. she looked great and i was really happy for her. i introduced her to my boyfriend and we were catching up, and then at some point i realized that i had talked to her about this guy when we had been dating back then, that she'd heard of him, so i said, oh tina, this is so and so. (like you know, that guy). i remember her eyes getting really wide and she pulled me aside and asked what i was doing with him. she reminded me that this guy's kind of a bad guy. then all the memories flooded back, and i didn't understand how i could have forgotten. i got really angry that he'd tricked his way into my life again. i started going off on him about how much he'd affected my life for so long, how hard it was to let anyone in after that, how he affected every single relationship i'd had since. i was really upset and letting all these pent up feelings out. he left, and tina told me, don't worry about it; you're walking your path, and he's walking his own. don't worry about his, just your own.

i took it as a really positive dream. i never got to say all the things i needed to say to him in real life, have thankfully never run into him, but in a way, i think that was my mind letting something go. i woke up feeling lighter. and tina looked great, radiant. i hope it means that she's got a big break coming up.